Five Guaranteed Ways To Win

Tourney scene too rough? Sick of losing all the time? Of course you are. After all, you do lose all the time. I can tell. I smell it from here. Anyways, here are five sure-fire techniques for turning humiliating defeat into glorious victory. Simply follow the simple step-by-step directions and the fame, moolah and chicks will all be yours.



1. Asterisk Gambit
Materials: Rulebook (for the game you'll be playing, typically Magic,) scissors, glue, strip of asterisks.
1. A day before the game, print off the following sentence (asterisk included) and paste it on the last page of the rulebook:
* This rule is no longer valid. Any player attempting to employ an invalid rule such as this one automatically forfeits the game.
2. Before the game begins, put the prepared rulebook in the bathroom, along with the glue, the scissors, and a strip of asterisks. If you're short on asterisks, you may use these: * * * * * * * *
3. Midway through the game, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
4. Whilst in the bathroom, clip out and glue asterisks to all sections of the rulebook your opponent has been effectively exploiting.
5. Return to your opponent, hand him the rulebook, then show him the door.

2. Crystal Ball Scheme
Materials: Paper, pen, envelope, stamp.
1. A week before the game, hand-copy the message below on a piece of paper (since you're pretending to be me, try to make it look manly.) Insert your name and your opponent's name where indicated. Put the paper in an envelope. Mail it to your opponent in care of yourself at your home address.
2. On the day of the game, before you begin play, get your opponent to agree that anyone caught cheating automatically loses.
3. When it becomes clear you have no hope of winning legitimately, accuse your opponent of cheating. After he begins to protest, interrupt by saying, "Oh, by the way, this came for you a couple of days ago." Hand him the envelope. The message:

Dear [opponent's name]:
Recently, I saw in a dream that you wold try to take unfair advantage of [your name] in the manner which he just described. Do not attempt to deny this serious malefaction. Sorry, you lose. [Your name] wins.

Bruce Barrelroll -
Professional Gaming Expert

3. Rancid Skivvies Strategem
Materials: Underwear (T-shirt, boxers, socks,) garbage bag, dead fish, used cat litter.
1. Six months before the game, put the underwear in the bag with the fish and the litter. Bury the bag in the backyard.
2. A month before the game, stop bathing and washing your hair.
3. An hour before the game, dig up the bag, put on the underwear, then put on your regular clothes.
4. About halfway through the game, remove a single article of clothing. If your opponent demands an explanation, say "Oh, that's just something I do for good luck."
5. Every couple of minutes, remove another article of clothing. At some point, remark "Boy, those body lice are frisky little fellers, ain't they?"
6. When your opponent runs screaming for the door, declare victory.
Note: This gambit may not have the desired effect if you're a female and your opponent is the typical male gamer.

4. Psycho Plan
Materials: Stationary from local mental hospital.
1. An hour before the game, type the following message on the hospital stationary, inserting your first name where indicated:

Dear [your first name]:
As head practitioner of your treatment team, I want to extend my congratulations on the successful completion of your therapy. We feel the chances of your killing again are remote. Unless, of course, a psychotic episode is triggered by, say, losing a game.

Sincerely,
Dr. L. Swano, Ph.D.

2. Midway through the game, "accidentally" drop the stationary where your opponent can see it.
3. Excuse yourself at one point and return a few minutes later. Ask your opponent innocently if he'd consider letting you win. While you're at it, ask for his wallet.

5. Broccoli Manuever
Materials: Floor fan, broccoli, grandma.
1. 1-2 Hours before the game, stuff your grandma with broccoli.
2. Seat your opponent directly opposite you. Seat your grandma right beside you. Position the fan behind your grandma, pointed at your opponent.
3. Turn on the fan and begin the game.
4. Continue play until your opponent concedes or passes out.

Note: I recently lost my house in an explosion when I tried the broccoli manuever too close to a space heater. Use at your own risk.