Boy, they sure don't make 'em like they used to - Magic decks, that is. For all youse who thought that Magic was just a kids' game, here's the deck that breaks the generation gap, as well as a few legs. You've got the wise Elder Druid, the venerable abbot Hazduhr, and even your good ol' Uncle Istvan.
While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.
Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.
The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"
Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients
Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)
Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)
Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)
Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Magic card names taken way out of context
I don't have any unique or creative insights today. So, I will subject you all to juvenile humour, instead.
Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.
Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.
Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.
Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?
Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?
Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?
Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.
Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....
Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.
All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....
Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.
Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.
Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.
Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?
Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?
Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?
Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.
Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....
Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.
All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Der Lame Name Game
Whoever names the blue Magic cards at Wizards of the Coast should be banned.
I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.
Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.
Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.
Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.
Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.
There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.
I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.
Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.
I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.
Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.
Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.
Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.
Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.
There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.
I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.
Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.
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