Der Lame Name Game

Whoever names the blue Magic cards at Wizards of the Coast should be banned.

I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.

Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.

Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.

Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.

Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.

There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.

I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.

Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.