Heavy Medal

Gold - it's not just for roleplaying games and fake teeth. These past two weeks, it has been for Olympic Medals.

Typically I ignore the Olympics, because a) Sports are boring; b) the certifiably evil Olympic Commitee made the Legend of the 5 Rings CCG change its card backs; and c) they removed Foosball and Long Distance Dice-Spitting from the event roster. Nonetheless, it was kind of neat that Canada recieved the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics this year of any country in history. That's not what we're here about, however. No, I am giving the Olympics another chance based on one simple reason: Dominaria has finally qualified to compete. All your favourite Magic characters will be going all-out in an attempt to gain pride for their whacked-out world.

"If I can just control the ball and score a lot, I'll take the big one," said Ertai, wizard adept, who along with his deceased buddy, Gerrard "the Nard" Capashen, will be doing the two-man luge. Also look for Hannah and Squee in the pairs figure skating competition. You haven't really seen ice skating until you've seen a goblin doing a triple-axle to the beat of ABBA's "Mama Mia."

Goblins definetley got game - and no, I don't mean crapmeister Goblin Game. Look for the Goblin Rock Sled in the bobsled event, Goblin Ski Patrol in the ski jumping events and the Goblin Snowman on "The Man Show."

Dominaria wants a medal so badly, they're entering more genetically engineered ringers than Russia, China, and East Germany combined. They have a Hired Giant in the giant slalom, Vesuvan Doppleganger in the biathlon, Cateran Enforcer cross-country skiing, Ski-zzik downhill skiing; and more Cloudskates than you can shake a Counterspell at.

It'll be fun to watch, but my guess is that Team Dominaria will be banned from future Olympics faster than Memory Jar. Let's face it, the summer games would be wrecked by the likes of the Centaur Chieftain in the 50-yard dash, Anurid Brushopper in the long jump and Karn in the shotput. No man alive has more experience palming metal balls than Karn. It would be downright unfair.

Nonetheless, I can't wait for the next Winter Olympics. Four years from now, when I'm the guy in the front row with a "Go Licids" sign and my face painted with the colours of the coalition, I will finally command the respect of cardfloppers and dicechuckers as well as jocks the world over.