Thursday, February 11, 2010

PLOT DESCENT IN ZERLONGS PER MINUTE

The malarkey started with Zendikar.

It was only so much rubbish, as recent sets are won't to do. Fulla creatures n' stuff. Wizards pushing the boundaries for what would be a balanced creature. No usable counterspells in sight. Littered with "Look at me I am 8 years old and I can playing a Magic" cards (AKA Johnny Cards.) Keep in mind I'm saying this all as an aggro player, too.

Now Worldwake. More of the same, only now it's personal. You know that Abyssal Persecutor card? The one that's $26 dollars and wins games? I designed it years ago. It was a little different... I decided 1BB for a 5/5 with the "You can't win and your opponent can't lose" clause was neaty-keen... and you could also pay 3BB to sacrifice it. So it had an escape hatch. The Persecutor is marginally different, yes, but in essence it is the same. (Keep in mind I came up with this back when Wizards was conjuring up such winners as Torpid Moloch and Zephyr Spirit.) Pulse Tracker, too! I designed him about a year ago! Granted, it's about as exciting as Defiant Elf when you get right down to it, but it all just goes to show what Worldwake had to resort to.

But I digress. As I write this, the next set is much-anticipated and speculated about. Called Rise of the Eldrazi, it deals with these nasty Eldrazi blokes showing up from a Cthulhu-esque slumber and basically screwing with everything. After all, it was foreshadowed by Eldrazi Monument, and even more so by Eye of Ugin. Or so people guess.

What is my prediction for the set?

THERE WILL BE NO ELDRAZI CARDS TO SPEAK OF. None. Not one. Eye of Ugin will be even worse than Steamflogger Boss. All the hype will have been one big joke, and Wizards will laugh themselves sick over stupid Zendikar-sympathists who loaded up on the Eye of Ugin in anticipation of it being broken wide open.

Better yet, there WILL be Eldrazi cards, but anyone who has one will be desperate to trade it away for a Wood Elemental or Sorrow's Path. THEY WILL BE TERRIBLE! Seven mana for a 2/1 who can't attack, and deals damage equal to the number of cards in each player's library to you each phase. HA.

IT IS TRUE.

I HAVE DECIDED.

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