Memers of Kaladesh

Goblins of Kaladesh

It is here that we christen a new type of feature article - What a Story, Mark!, based purely off all of the nonsensical, stupid and/or contradictory things said by Magic's rotund idiot child-king, Mark Rosewater. He may forget things he said a year ago, but he'll never let you forget that he wrote for Roseanne.

Today's incredible story comes from what was probably meant to be a humorous article that Mark Rosewater wrote in 2005 about Dwarves. In particular he touches on a sore spot of his - the art for the card Goblin Scouts - which clearly he has issues with because it is at least the third time he wrote about this same little story. Hey, you start off by writing for sitcoms, you get used to writing the exact same jokes over and over again. This time he really gets into the nitty-gritty of things:

Skywhaler's Shot

 

"So just how good of a skywhaler are you?"

"Oh, I'm just about the best. Seriously. You point it out and I can shoot it down."

"Is that so? Could you shoot down a bank of mist?"

"Easy peasy."

"Oh, really? How about a tidal wave?"

"Yawn."

"Could you take out every single wasp in a swarm with just one, single harpoon?"

"With my eyes closed."

"Yeah? How about that worm floating around in a lake down there?"

"Well geez, let's not be ridiculous. Nobody can just skewer a worm with a harpoon. Don't you have any serious offers?

"Well... what about that other worm next to it? It's got some paint on it."

"Oh, pfft. Broad side of a barn. Say no more, he's a goner. By the way, I think I'm a little bit psychic."

Card in Review - Nacatl War-Pride

Top-down designs are often the most fun, but likewise it's a treacherous terrain to navigate. When a card is designed with a concept in mind first, sometimes the implications of that concept can have loose ends once it's put to print. I'm not talking about such lofty concepts as giving a bird flying or a giant better stats than a human. I mean textbox-filling nonsense that communicates a cool idea - and if that idea is easy to take advantage of or build around, so much so the better.

The Adventures of Bulbasaur

Sometimes a card tells a story. Floodgate. Orgg. Elder Cathar. Shahrazad (wait, not like that.)

But then, sometimes a card is literally telling a story.

I found this gem a year or so ago and I wish I knew more. The 33/64 in the bottom left suggests this was part of a 64-part story, as told by drawn-on Magic cards. I was only able to find one other card from the series, and it was so generic and filler that it didn't even warrant purchasing for a dime. Was this a sprawling epic about the adventures of Bulbasaur? Was he merely a bit part in the greater narrative? Will he ever find companionship in CITY? These, my friends, are questions we'll simply never know.

Alternatively, someone very purposefully made only the two pieces with the implication that they were part of a larger story, in which case well trolled, sir.

Acataleptically Meretricious Gearwarden of Marjfloop

Hoo boy. Magic is currently sitting at over 16 000 unique cards, and let me tell you... lately it really shows. How's that, you ask? Just look at the newest set, Kaladesh, and tell me they aren't scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel with card names nowadays. Effective, punchy, single-word names are in short supply after twenty-three years of printings, and we're left with entire sentences, the most tenuous synonyms left for "fiery" and made-up fantasy words that would make even George Lucas wince. Every set has had its weak names, all the way back to Alpha with Bad Moon and Dingus Egg. Except nowadays... it feels like every card has its weak names.

Card in Review - Sun Titan

M11's Titans were interesting in that they were printed to try and fill two criteria:
1. If they were killed immediately, you weren't left with nothing for your six mana.
2. You never had to choose between attacking with your fatty or using its ability.

Wizards accomplished this by giving them a solid ability that activated when they showed up as well as every time they attacked, in addition to being a 6/6 with a nice evergreen ability for safe measure. This was ultimately successful - possibly even too successful. The problem with the titans is that they overshadowed most every other 5+ drop that was available. Why bother with Vorinclex when you could have already played a Primeval Titan and pulled out six lands? Sure Balefire Dragon wipes your opponent's entire board if he connects, but by the time you play him, Inferno Titan has dealt at least 12 damage.
Each one was a strategy in a box, providing both a creature big enough to win the game as well as support to protect it/yourself or ways to deal with your opponent's threats. Most worked on autopilot - there wasn't much strategy to go with Inferno Titan other than turning it sideways each turn - but a couple required you to build around. Sure Primeval Titan's power came from pulling out combinations of overpowered lands, but even if he's just vomiting basic lands onto the board he's helping you out. The most build-around titan was neither the strongest nor the weakest, but the one I found the most interesting.

Metal Gear Solid

It's been a time for revivals here lately, with old features being dusted off and added to much as... well, this entire blog has been. In this case, we're bringing back another old favourite: theme decks.

Magic storylines... pretty nightmarish, right? Circuitous, overly-complicated, too many characters with impenetrable motives and unclear objectives: we've all been burned by trying to peek beneath the surface of the game. Well if you think that's bad, clearly you've never played the seminal Metal Gear Solid, which has enough twists and turns that you need a cause-and-effect diagram on the go and a military studies degree just to keep up. Regardless, it's a superb game, so obviously that means it will translate to superb Magic games, too. Sneak past blockers, choke out your opponent and even destroy some gearhulks metal gears along the way.

Card in Review - Sunforger

The flavourful nature of Magic: the Gathering means that every action in the game (theoretically) is a metaphor for something larger. The players are spell-slinging planeswalkers, their hands (not that kind) are repertoires of spells, creatures are summoned magically, etc. Even some pieces of the game's terminology - such as 'library', 'graveyard' and the more recent addition 'exile' - are inherently illustrative. The card Memory Erosion represent the loss of your cards via the literal deconstruction of your synapses. Spellbook lets you hold any number of cards because it's a physical space to store or record any number of spells you like. It's not faultless, but when they work in the boundaries, it's quite quaint. Got it? Good.

Now then, how would you like your spell-slinging to not originate from some wimpy book, but rather a molten, glowing, skull-fracturing Mjolnir?

Second Thoughts

I could have called this "Bojuka Blog."

Darn.

Moonmist

Moonmist is an interesting little card. It's most obvious use is for turning all of your werewolves into their crinos form stronger form and then completely swinging combat. Most people stop looking there, though, relegating it as a cute little tribal support card. Take a closer look, though: the card is quite generously worded. The first sentence is simply "transform all humans," full stop - whether they're werewolves or not. What else can this accomplish, then?

New Mechanics, Depending On Where You Look

Eldritch Moon is out now, and with it come new cards and new ideas. This is a routine we're all familiar with by now. New set, new mechanics - try to learn them and figure out how to break them with old cards Wizards has forgotten about. What do we have this time around?

Alternate Art

There's a "regular" feature here that I've neglected far too long, especially considering how much fuel I have on hand. That is, more snippets of my collection: oddly-edited cards, misprints and general esoterica uncovered by yours truly during regular romps through the local commons bin.

Today's feature? A couple of cards featuring unique alternate art... not from the original artist.

Card in Review - Liquimetal Coating

Colour pie got you down? Sure, we all have our favourite colours in Magic, but they all have their shortcomings. Green can't flat-out destroy creatures, black can't remove artifacts, red is helpless against enchantments... or perhaps not. There is now a way for red to get at any enchantment that displeases it, as well as any other type of permanent, including creatures and planeswalkers, without needing to fling so much as a single point of damage. Sounds ridiculous? You would do well to remember that it's not only red cards that can be played in a mono-red deck: artifacts can always come along for the ride as well.

Time Vault

I like seeing the collections of people who stopped playing at some point, particularly if their cards are all of the pre-8th Edition frame. Their collections are like a snapshot trapped in time, of decks that didn't use newer, stronger versions of cards not because they didn't want to, but because they didn't exist. In 2001, nobody missed not having Tarmogoyf or Planeswalker cards (ugh) because they didn't know to miss them.

Viashino Sandswimmer is a card that I've never used and don't own. I don't know anyone who has used or owned it. If I've physically seen the card, I can't recall having done so. I know what it does and would recognize it immediately, but in terms of it being a physical object, it might as well not exist to me.

But for someone out there, it was one of their precious few, 117-odd cards. It was perhaps one of three rares they owned. Maybe it was their first rare. Maybe it was their only rare. They played it in their red deck (which splashed green just because they didn't have enough red cards for a full deck) and it was one of their flagship creatures. Isn't that a weird and wonderful thought? For nearly any card that isn't named Wood Elemental, someone out there made it work for them.

Have you used Spined Fluke? You probably haven't, have you? Maybe you don't even own one. But it was the MVP of a messy-yet-effective four-colour deck I had once. Five power and cheap regeneration for three mana, what's not to like? It ate many a blocker, quickly making up for any card disadvantage you might foolishly assume it would have.

Everyone's Magic collection has a little story - no, is a little story - and there's nothing like a quaint little time capsule to remind one of that fact.

The Eternal Ski Jump

A peculiar interaction occurred to me, engendered by the unique qualities of Assault Suit as discussed last week. We've all seen creatures with activated abilities that last until end of turn, and we've all seen activated abilities that can be activated only once per turn. The humble Goblin Ski Patrol, however, is rather unique on a couple accounts.

As its oracle wording can attest, when you activate the Ski Patrol's ability, it gets +2/+0 and flying... forever. Not until the end of the turn, not until your next turn, until the goddamn sun goes out. Much like the permanent Riding the Dilu Horse, nothing short of leaving play undoes the bonus: because of course, why should it matter? You're sacrificing the Goblin at the end of the turn anyway. And just to ensure you don't try to double up by pumping four (or more) mana into him, you can only activate the ability once. But again, real estate for card text is precious, so there's no point making the addendum that this can only happen once per turn - you can only activate the ability once per game, period. Overall, the card gets the desired effect: he can go off a ski jump for one glorious attack before getting crushed to death by impact.

...unless he has the proper safety gear, that is. As you'll recall from the last article, if you activate the Goblin Ski Patrol and he has an Assault Suit equipped, he's not going anywhere at the end of the turn. At this point you can proceed to do whatever other tricks your want with the Suit, because for the rest of eternity you have a 3/1 flying Goblin, perpetually caught in the most radical ski jump ever. There's no card, counter or other marker to denote that he has the boost: ya just gotta remember. How often do you see that in the game, hmm?

Card in Review - Assault Suit

Magic is a game of synergies. The most effective decks time and again seem to involve several powerful cards that can roughly replicate what the others do. A control deck might not particularly favour a Dissipate over a Dissolve in the late game, and a dedicated burn deck will take Lightning Bolt, Chain Lightning and Lava Spike all on equal footing. Decks that are too focused on a particular card - most often seen in EDH decks that are helpless without their commander out - are too delicate, and will fall apart if their key card is removed in a way that a more modular deck wouldn't. (I don't mean Modular decks, mind you.)

That said, don't you sometimes just see a card that's so interesting that you want to build around it?

Welcome to Card in Review, a new feature here that, rather than looking at some aspect of the game as a whole, will pick one open-ended card and analyze all sorts of tricks that can be done with it, both general and specific.

What card are we selecting for this first foray into the world of tunnel vision?

Graffito on an Akroan bathroom stall

Thakolides the Mighty

He wore the tighty-whitey

Though he was very fighty

He was killed by a spidey

Creatures Without Flying

This is a non-exhaustive list of creatures that do not have the flying ability.

Whipoorwill cannot fly. It does not have flying.

Petra Sphinx is the answer to that age-old riddle: "What walks on four legs, even though it has giant wings?"

It's not called "Flying Spirit," now is it? Of course not. It cannot fly.



You know why none of these creatures fly?

Because they were hit by Pin to the Earth, which removes flying.

Customized Mages

Waging war on enemy planes can be a tiresome task, especially when you're working all by yourself. And, while each deck you build is different, the mages in charge of your library are always the same: 20 life, seven-card hands, one card drawn per turn. Ho hum. How about a little variety?
In this variant for Magic, you get to add a little flavour to your own abilities. Instead of representing yourself with one mage, you can assemble your own spellcasting team from two to, well, however-many-you-want mages. Each one has his own strengths and weaknesses but, combined, you've got a powerful circle of wizards to represent you.

A Bitter Flavour

Flavour text. That short blurb of text at the bottom of any underfilled textbox that is meant to explain, or amuse, or awe. Some cards are extremely effective at this. Some are remarkably less so. When a new set comes out, naturally everyone is going to be looking at its playability first - what new cards combo with old ones, what are the powercards, overall how does it compare? But after we've done the preliminary perusal of powerful pieces, there's still the scraps to pick over, so to speak. Since a new set is coming out so soon, and Battle for Zendikar already got a more thorough review, why not give a quick look to the flavour text of Oath of the Gatewatch?

It turns out we have surprisingly few categories to pick from.