Safety First

We often talk about games here, and it's important in any recreational activity to observe a proper degree of safety. For cycling, that means wearing a helmet. For rock climbing, having a partner and a well-maintained harness. For boating, a lifejacket and maybe a signal flare. Now I know what you're all thinking: what safety equipment is required for massacres...?

Er... also a helmet!

Sometimes I can't figure out my fellow man. Who was this guy who happened to have a sticker of a bicycle helmet? Did he go through the bins looking for a picture it would fit on? Or did he make up his mind to stick it to a copy of Massacre, regardless of whether it would be a good match, and found the results pleasing? Or - just maybe - did he custom-make the sticker expressly for this purpose?

And at the end of it all, why play catch and release? Wouldn't you be proud for your efforts after so painstakingly looking for the card that would accommodate your sticker? Only Crovax's hairdresser knows for sure.

The Punchline is Odd Flavour Moments

A jellyfish, a skyship and a shard of broken glass walk into a bar.

The bartender, being a planeswalker on the side, requests that the jellyfish pilot the skyship for his amusement. The jellyfish replies "Hey, don't look at me. I'm just a jellyfish. I have no idea how to drive that thing."
The bartender nods, seeming disappointed. Then, after a moment's deliberation, he hands the jellyfish the shard of broken glass.
"Thanks," replies the jellyfish, wielding it expertly. "In fact, you know what, I think that I can pilot that ship... so long as I have this, anyway." Immediately, it climbs into the flagship and starts its engine. Reaching in after it, the bartender takes the shard of broken glass back.
"Keep it," replies the jellyfish. "Now that this baby's started I'm sure I can still pilot this thing."
The bartender then gives the shard of broken glass to the ship itself, which also wields it expertly. Taping the shard of glass to the hull of the titanic, flying, magic-shooting skyship improves its firepower by over 15%. The bartender is so amused by the absurdity of the situation that he doubles over in laughter, but in doing so he accidentally releases an errant bolt of lightning, killing the jellyfish pilot immediately.
"Worry not," says the ghost of the jellyfish's now-cooling corpse. "When I set my mind to something I'm gonna do it, and not even death will stop me. I'll pilot this here ship one final time from beyond the grave if I have to." The flagship then takes off, to the bartender's immense satisfaction.

Having watched the entire exchange from across the room, a mindless null shambles up to the bar. "Hey," says the mindless null, being completely mindless and having zero capacity for thought, speech or purposeful action. "That was quite the sight. Listen, I'm an aspiring pilot myself, but I see you're fresh out of shards of broken glass. Is there any way you can help me pilot that giant skyship once the dead jellyfish brings it back?"

Without a word, the bartender takes out a chariot.

Does Not Compute

Mark Rosewater has done some positive things for the game of Magic, but I have trouble believing he's done many of them. Why, you ask? Because he keeps pointing to the same tiny handful of decisions time and time again!

Gundam: the Gathering

As stated in this article, the giant mechs from Invasion were Mark's second-most hated inclusion in Magic.

Those are some pretty harsh words. Hated them on a conceptual level more than everything else except guns! You can be sure to never see giant robots in any set Mark's at the helm of.

MVG (Most Vertical Goblin)

The recent printing of Goblin Freerunner made me realize something: ever notice that goblins have the extreme sports aspect of Magic on lockdown? Skiing, bobsledding, snowboarding, even parasailing... the rest of Dominaria's gotta step it up!

When is a goblin not a goblin?
When you tie it to a rock sled and push it
down a mountain, apparently.

Thus, we have collected the most foolhardy and adventurous little green guys from Skirk Ridge to Kuldotha, Akki and Mogg alike. The First Goblin Olympics covers all sorts of dangerous events, and even has a Torchrunner on loan from the Frogtosser Games. Let the mayhem commence!

Creatures
4 Fire Juggler
4 Goblin Bowling Team
4 Goblin Freerunner
4 Goblin Glider
4 Goblin Rimerunner
4 Goblin Rock Sled
4 Goblin Ski Patrol
4 Goblin Sledder
2 Mudbutton Torchrunner
4 Oxidda Daredevil

Lands
1 Arena
21 Snow-Covered Mountain

Memers of Kaladesh

Goblins of Kaladesh

It is here that we christen a new type of feature article - What a Story, Mark!, based purely off all of the nonsensical, stupid and/or contradictory things said by Magic's rotund idiot child-king, Mark Rosewater. He may forget things he said a year ago, but he'll never let you forget that he wrote for Roseanne.

Today's incredible story comes from what was probably meant to be a humorous article that Mark Rosewater wrote in 2005 about Dwarves. In particular he touches on a sore spot of his - the art for the card Goblin Scouts - which clearly he has issues with because it is at least the third time he wrote about this same little story. Hey, you start off by writing for sitcoms, you get used to writing the exact same jokes over and over again. This time he really gets into the nitty-gritty of things:

Skywhaler's Shot

 

"So just how good of a skywhaler are you?"

"Oh, I'm just about the best. Seriously. You point it out and I can shoot it down."

"Is that so? Could you shoot down a bank of mist?"

"Easy peasy."

"Oh, really? How about a tidal wave?"

"Yawn."

"Could you take out every single wasp in a swarm with just one, single harpoon?"

"With my eyes closed."

"Yeah? How about that worm floating around in a lake down there?"

"Well geez, let's not be ridiculous. Nobody can just skewer a worm with a harpoon. Don't you have any serious offers?

"Well... what about that other worm next to it? It's got some paint on it."

"Oh, pfft. Broad side of a barn. Say no more, he's a goner. By the way, I think I'm a little bit psychic."

Metal Gear Solid

It's been a time for revivals here lately, with old features being dusted off and added to much as... well, this entire blog has been. In this case, we're bringing back another old favourite: theme decks.

Magic storylines... pretty nightmarish, right? Circuitous, overly-complicated, too many characters with impenetrable motives and unclear objectives: we've all been burned by trying to peek beneath the surface of the game. Well if you think that's bad, clearly you've never played the seminal Metal Gear Solid, which has enough twists and turns that you need a cause-and-effect diagram on the go and a military studies degree just to keep up. Regardless, it's a superb game, so obviously that means it will translate to superb Magic games, too. Sneak past blockers, choke out your opponent and even destroy some gearhulks metal gears along the way.

Moonmist

Moonmist is an interesting little card. It's most obvious use is for turning all of your werewolves into their crinos form stronger form and then completely swinging combat. Most people stop looking there, though, relegating it as a cute little tribal support card. Take a closer look, though: the card is quite generously worded. The first sentence is simply "transform all humans," full stop - whether they're werewolves or not. What else can this accomplish, then?

New Mechanics, Depending On Where You Look

Eldritch Moon is out now, and with it come new cards and new ideas. This is a routine we're all familiar with by now. New set, new mechanics - try to learn them and figure out how to break them with old cards Wizards has forgotten about. What do we have this time around?

Alternate Art

There's a "regular" feature here that I've neglected far too long, especially considering how much fuel I have on hand. That is, more snippets of my collection: oddly-edited cards, misprints and general esoterica uncovered by yours truly during regular romps through the local commons bin.

Today's feature? A couple of cards featuring unique alternate art... not from the original artist.

The Eternal Ski Jump

A peculiar interaction occurred to me, engendered by the unique qualities of Assault Suit as discussed last week. We've all seen creatures with activated abilities that last until end of turn, and we've all seen activated abilities that can be activated only once per turn. The humble Goblin Ski Patrol, however, is rather unique on a couple accounts.

As its oracle wording can attest, when you activate the Ski Patrol's ability, it gets +2/+0 and flying... forever. Not until the end of the turn, not until your next turn, until the goddamn sun goes out. Much like the permanent Riding the Dilu Horse, nothing short of leaving play undoes the bonus: because of course, why should it matter? You're sacrificing the Goblin at the end of the turn anyway. And just to ensure you don't try to double up by pumping four (or more) mana into him, you can only activate the ability once. But again, real estate for card text is precious, so there's no point making the addendum that this can only happen once per turn - you can only activate the ability once per game, period. Overall, the card gets the desired effect: he can go off a ski jump for one glorious attack before getting crushed to death by impact.

...unless he has the proper safety gear, that is. As you'll recall from the last article, if you activate the Goblin Ski Patrol and he has an Assault Suit equipped, he's not going anywhere at the end of the turn. At this point you can proceed to do whatever other tricks your want with the Suit, because for the rest of eternity you have a 3/1 flying Goblin, perpetually caught in the most radical ski jump ever. There's no card, counter or other marker to denote that he has the boost: ya just gotta remember. How often do you see that in the game, hmm?

Graffito on an Akroan bathroom stall

Thakolides the Mighty

He wore the tighty-whitey

Though he was very fighty

He was killed by a spidey

Creatures Without Flying

This is a non-exhaustive list of creatures that do not have the flying ability.

Whipoorwill cannot fly. It does not have flying.

Petra Sphinx is the answer to that age-old riddle: "What walks on four legs, even though it has giant wings?"

It's not called "Flying Spirit," now is it? Of course not. It cannot fly.



You know why none of these creatures fly?

Because they were hit by Pin to the Earth, which removes flying.

Lawyer's Ploy

"Wait, I didn't pass priority!"
"It says 'you may,' so you missed the trigger!"
"That effect applies on Layer 4, not Layer 5!"
Seems every Magic player these days is also gearing up to be a rules lawyer, huh? Hey, every game has its rules and it's only fair for all those involved to follow them; I'm not trying to say otherwise. But would it kill some of these guys to just lighten up a bit? Every missed trigger has them jumping down your throat as if the Pro Tour was on the line. So how do you throw it back in the faces of these officious little pricks?

Forget rules lawyers and Magic judges, you're upping the stakes to real lawyers and real judges. How do you sap as much fun out of the game for your uptight opponent as he does for you? Treat him to a game with all the excitement of a Matlock rerun. You've got a witness, a bailiff, a jury, and even judge Isperia presiding. Tie up your foe's creatures in red tape and find him guilty of aggravated removal and direct damage. If your Stern Judge can't sweat 'im out, you can always time things out with a filibuster. And remember - it's not over until the Fall of the Gavel!

Ayyy That's Me

I got mentioned in a thing! (The "best comment" on Ignoble Soldier.)

The Nerd-o-meter

Hiya, kids! It's a handy-dandy chart that helps you check the acid test for how much of a nerd you are. Just grab your single most prized deck, and check at what level of nerdiness you are based on the state of its basic lands.

All the basic lands are:
1. Purposefully from the same set
2. Snow-covered, purely for show
3. Foreign language
4. Foil
5. Unglued/Unhinged
6. From Alpha     *
7. Euro/Eurasian lands
8. Foil Unhinged
9. Guru lands
10. Proxied on top of moxes
BONUS: Add two points if they are signed by the artist, Richard Garfield or Jesus.

*: By about this point, you're a bad person!

Eye of the Tiger

"Rising up, back on the streets
did my time, took my chances
went the distance
now I'm back on my feet
just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight just to keep them alive

(chorus)
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
rising up to the challenge of our rival
and the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
and he's watching us all with the
Eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
hanging tough, staying hungry
they stack the odds
still we take to the street
for the kill with the skill to survive

(chorus)

Rising up, straight to the top
had the guts, got the glory
went the distance
now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

(chorus)

Eye of the tiger (hold on a minute...)"

Dies to Removal

She would forever be safe from stray lightning bolts, from the gouts of flame, from the death-magic that had stolen the lives of so many of her people. Her dreams were still haunted with visions of those molten bolts of death; that crackling, violet lance of energy that suddenly siezed her best friend and scout-mate, Lydia. Their eyes met for an instant, they wordlessly shared a goodbye that lasted an eternity, and then Lydia was gone. The elves were forever fighting against all odds, and she was trapped in the center of it all - as if in sanctuary, forced to watch helplessly as her people continually were killed all around her.

...but her bloodline kept her safe. Like her mother and her grandmother before her, some ancient, esoteric arcane ward protected her from magic. Her remaining friends claimed she was lucky. Her ambush commander once told her she was blessed... but she knew better. For she knew the truth; what she had was not a blessing, but a curse. She was safe from the death-spells, yes, but with this came a heavy price. A price that she had to pay every day - some sort of indecipherable magic forbiddance. It could not be overcome; she could only try to live with it. For as a result of her magical nature...

...she could not wear pants.