Not All That Glitters Is Gold

Well, that didn't last long. Where's that archivist I was clamouring for years back?

Booster Shot

I had thought maybe I was just a grumpy old man, that I had outdated tastes, that I was needlessly afraid of change. Well, Wizards went and vindicated my stance without even realizing it. They have showed us their hand, admitted their mistakes, lifted the curtain to reveal the empty-headed self-sabotage beneath.

All this in a charming majenta package.

If you haven't seen the recent article, there's a new type of booster pack available that is guaranteed to have rarer and more valuable cards contained within... for a commensurately higher price, of course. This isn't a lousy idea on its face: if you want more rares and foils, you pay more money to guarantee getting something. $25 feels like an awful lot to risk getting a dollar-rare and a bunch of trash commons and uncommons, even in foil, which leads to the same bad-feelings I got from the various Modern Masters boosters and their variants. Nonetheless, I get the more-valuable-content-versus-higher-price dynamic.

What sticks with me is the unveiling of the new 'showcase frames.'



What we have here on the left is the 'normal' version of the card, which you'll see in regular packs. The one on the right features a 'showcase frame,' and from what I understand, you can only expect to find it in the new Collector's Boosters.
So a promo has a different look, so what? That's nothing new. But now that spoilers have started rolling out, there's a real trend of more "fairy tale-esque" art amongst the showcase versions of the cards. Primarily, this means more hand-drawn, fantasy-appropriate art, sometimes by older artists who work in traditional media.
See the problem? The "AAA Hollywood" design of art direction I've been griping about for years is had in regular packs, but the alternate frames with more traditional fantasy art can only be had by one method: buying the new, more expensive collector's pack. They're actually admitting that the old art direction has been deemed more desirable. They're admitting that the actual fantasy art is what people want in a fantasy game, so they're... charging more for it.
Fantasy art design is actually being held hostage behind more expensive packaging, and it's up to the players to pay up or settle for a more dreary-looking world. This isn't just taking things in an unpleasant direction, it's turning cozy immersion into paid DLC, in a move that somehow is even more greedy than the usual price gouging for limited print runs.

The Punchline is Odd Flavour Moments

A jellyfish, a skyship and a shard of broken glass walk into a bar.

The bartender, being a planeswalker on the side, requests that the jellyfish pilot the skyship for his amusement. The jellyfish replies "Hey, don't look at me. I'm just a jellyfish. I have no idea how to drive that thing."
The bartender nods, seeming disappointed. Then, after a moment's deliberation, he hands the jellyfish the shard of broken glass.
"Thanks," replies the jellyfish, wielding it expertly. "In fact, you know what, I think that I can pilot that ship... so long as I have this, anyway." Immediately, it climbs into the flagship and starts its engine. Reaching in after it, the bartender takes the shard of broken glass back.
"Keep it," replies the jellyfish. "Now that this baby's started I'm sure I can still pilot this thing."
The bartender then gives the shard of broken glass to the ship itself, which also wields it expertly. Taping the shard of glass to the hull of the titanic, flying, magic-shooting skyship improves its firepower by over 15%. The bartender is so amused by the absurdity of the situation that he doubles over in laughter, but in doing so he accidentally releases an errant bolt of lightning, killing the jellyfish pilot immediately.
"Worry not," says the ghost of the jellyfish's now-cooling corpse. "When I set my mind to something I'm gonna do it, and not even death will stop me. I'll pilot this here ship one final time from beyond the grave if I have to." The flagship then takes off, to the bartender's immense satisfaction.

Having watched the entire exchange from across the room, a mindless null shambles up to the bar. "Hey," says the mindless null, being completely mindless and having zero capacity for thought, speech or purposeful action. "That was quite the sight. Listen, I'm an aspiring pilot myself, but I see you're fresh out of shards of broken glass. Is there any way you can help me pilot that giant skyship once the dead jellyfish brings it back?"

Without a word, the bartender takes out a chariot.

Does Not Compute

Mark Rosewater has done some positive things for the game of Magic, but I have trouble believing he's done many of them. Why, you ask? Because he keeps pointing to the same tiny handful of decisions time and time again!

MVG (Most Vertical Goblin)

The recent printing of Goblin Freerunner made me realize something: ever notice that goblins have the extreme sports aspect of Magic on lockdown? Skiing, bobsledding, snowboarding, even parasailing... the rest of Dominaria's gotta step it up!

When is a goblin not a goblin?
When you tie it to a rock sled and push it
down a mountain, apparently.

Thus, we have collected the most foolhardy and adventurous little green guys from Skirk Ridge to Kuldotha, Akki and Mogg alike. The First Goblin Olympics covers all sorts of dangerous events, and even has a Torchrunner on loan from the Frogtosser Games. Let the mayhem commence!

Creatures
4 Fire Juggler
4 Goblin Bowling Team
4 Goblin Freerunner
4 Goblin Glider
4 Goblin Rimerunner
4 Goblin Rock Sled
4 Goblin Ski Patrol
4 Goblin Sledder
2 Mudbutton Torchrunner
4 Oxidda Daredevil

Lands
1 Arena
21 Snow-Covered Mountain

Goblins of Kaladesh

It is here that we christen a new type of feature article - What a Story, Mark!, based purely off all of the nonsensical, stupid and/or contradictory things said by Magic's rotund idiot child-king, Mark Rosewater. He may forget things he said a year ago, but he'll never let you forget that he wrote for Roseanne.

Today's incredible story comes from what was probably meant to be a humorous article that Mark Rosewater wrote in 2005 about Dwarves. In particular he touches on a sore spot of his - the art for the card Goblin Scouts - which clearly he has issues with because it is at least the third time he wrote about this same little story. Hey, you start off by writing for sitcoms, you get used to writing the exact same jokes over and over again. This time he really gets into the nitty-gritty of things:

Skywhaler's Shot

 

"So just how good of a skywhaler are you?"

"Oh, I'm just about the best. Seriously. You point it out and I can shoot it down."

"Is that so? Could you shoot down a bank of mist?"

"Easy peasy."

"Oh, really? How about a tidal wave?"

"Yawn."

"Could you take out every single wasp in a swarm with just one, single harpoon?"

"With my eyes closed."

"Yeah? How about that worm floating around in a lake down there?"

"Well geez, let's not be ridiculous. Nobody can just skewer a worm with a harpoon. Don't you have any serious offers?

"Well... what about that other worm next to it? It's got some paint on it."

"Oh, pfft. Broad side of a barn. Say no more, he's a goner. By the way, I think I'm a little bit psychic."

The Adventures of Bulbasaur

Sometimes a card tells a story. Floodgate. Orgg. Elder Cathar. Shahrazad (wait, not like that.)

But then, sometimes a card is literally telling a story.

I found this gem a year or so ago and I wish I knew more. The 33/64 in the bottom left suggests this was part of a 64-part story, as told by drawn-on Magic cards. I was only able to find one other card from the series, and it was so generic and filler that it didn't even warrant purchasing for a dime. Was this a sprawling epic about the adventures of Bulbasaur? Was he merely a bit part in the greater narrative? Will he ever find companionship in CITY? These, my friends, are questions we'll simply never know.

Alternatively, someone very purposefully made only the two pieces with the implication that they were part of a larger story, in which case well trolled, sir.

Metal Gear Solid

It's been a time for revivals here lately, with old features being dusted off and added to much as... well, this entire blog has been. In this case, we're bringing back another old favourite: theme decks.

Magic storylines... pretty nightmarish, right? Circuitous, overly-complicated, too many characters with impenetrable motives and unclear objectives: we've all been burned by trying to peek beneath the surface of the game. Well if you think that's bad, clearly you've never played the seminal Metal Gear Solid, which has enough twists and turns that you need a cause-and-effect diagram on the go and a military studies degree just to keep up. Regardless, it's a superb game, so obviously that means it will translate to superb Magic games, too. Sneak past blockers, choke out your opponent and even destroy some gearhulks metal gears along the way.

Creatures Without Flying

This is a non-exhaustive list of creatures that do not have the flying ability.

Whipoorwill cannot fly. It does not have flying.

Petra Sphinx is the answer to that age-old riddle: "What walks on four legs, even though it has giant wings?"

It's not called "Flying Spirit," now is it? Of course not. It cannot fly.



You know why none of these creatures fly?

Because they were hit by Pin to the Earth, which removes flying.

A Bitter Flavour

Flavour text. That short blurb of text at the bottom of any underfilled textbox that is meant to explain, or amuse, or awe. Some cards are extremely effective at this. Some are remarkably less so. When a new set comes out, naturally everyone is going to be looking at its playability first - what new cards combo with old ones, what are the powercards, overall how does it compare? But after we've done the preliminary perusal of powerful pieces, there's still the scraps to pick over, so to speak. Since a new set is coming out so soon, and Battle for Zendikar already got a more thorough review, why not give a quick look to the flavour text of Oath of the Gatewatch?

It turns out we have surprisingly few categories to pick from.

Lawyer's Ploy

"Wait, I didn't pass priority!"
"It says 'you may,' so you missed the trigger!"
"That effect applies on Layer 4, not Layer 5!"
Seems every Magic player these days is also gearing up to be a rules lawyer, huh? Hey, every game has its rules and it's only fair for all those involved to follow them; I'm not trying to say otherwise. But would it kill some of these guys to just lighten up a bit? Every missed trigger has them jumping down your throat as if the Pro Tour was on the line. So how do you throw it back in the faces of these officious little pricks?

Forget rules lawyers and Magic judges, you're upping the stakes to real lawyers and real judges. How do you sap as much fun out of the game for your uptight opponent as he does for you? Treat him to a game with all the excitement of a Matlock rerun. You've got a witness, a bailiff, a jury, and even judge Isperia presiding. Tie up your foe's creatures in red tape and find him guilty of aggravated removal and direct damage. If your Stern Judge can't sweat 'im out, you can always time things out with a filibuster. And remember - it's not over until the Fall of the Gavel!

Changelings up in this

Mistform Ultimus is all of the following:

A Giant Dwarf

A Pirate Ninja

A Turtle Rabbit

An Angel Devil

An Insect Anteater

A Deserter Coward

An Elephant Rat

A Crocodile Eye

A Horror Reflection

A Weird Licid

A Berserker Slug

A Serf Citizen

A Dryad Pincher

An Egg Orb

A Carrier Survivor

A Troll Goat

A Treefolk Splinter

A Human Bat

An Elk Caribou

A Satyr Centaur

A Whale Assassin

A Demon Squirrel

An Efreet Djinn

An Elf Orc

A Kirin Lammasu

A Manticore Masticore

A Tetravite Pentavite Triskelavite

An Ox Aurochs

A Hippo Griffin Hippogriff

A Gremlin Imp

A Pegasus Unicorn

A Hag Fish

A Spirit Dragon

An Egg Bringer

A Wall Spawn

A Rhino Oyster

A Juggernaut Advisor

A Basilisk Cockatrice Gorgon

A Mutant Wolverine Beast Rogue Cyclops Phoenix Angel

A Wizard Cleric Rogue Warrior Monk Barbarian Druid

A Prism Reflection Illusion

A Cat Bat Rat Wombat Bureaucrat

A Lurker Berserker Assembly Worker

A Minor Mutant Ninja Turtle

A Bat Bear Boar Beast Bird

Magic: the Gathering for mostly fun and not much profit!

Step 1. Play Volrath's Laboratory and choose to make blue Illusion tokens.

Step 2. Make an Illusion token. Its name as well as creature type are just "Illusion."

Step 3. Play Retraced Image to put Illusion/Reality from your hand into play.

Step 4. ???

Step 5. PROFIT!

Magic: The Gathering for fun and profit!

Step 1. Use Splintering Wind to put a Splinter token into play.

Step 2. Donate the Splinter token to your opponent.

Step 3. Play Mimeofacture on the Splinter token to search your opponent's library for a copy of the sorcery card Splinter and put it into play.

Step 4. ???

Step 5. PROFIT!

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Toilet paper, squirt guns and toast? Sounds like Friday Night Magic to me. That, or the cult classic that is The Rocky Horror Picture Show! It's been playing in some theatres for well over 30 years, giving it more staying power than white weenie. So why not translate that to a deck? You can bust out your own audience participation lines every time you cast a spell. And if you ever had the urge to spontaneously break out in song and prance around in drag while playing Magic - and who hasn't? - here's your big chance!

The Cast
1 Bone Dancer (Frank N. Furter)
1 Ass(embly) Hall (Brad)
1 Gwendlyn Di Corci (Janet)
1 Enslaved Horror (Rocky Horror)
1 Sengir Autocrat (Riff Raff)
1 Coffin Queen (Magenta)
1 Wind Dancer (Columbia)
1 Musician (Eddie)
1 Wizard Mentor (Doctor Scott)
1 Archivist (The Criminologist)
1 Tolarian Enchanter (The Transylvanians)

The Show
1 Abduction
1 All Hallow's Eve
1 Lightning Bolt
1 Nightmare
1 Jinxed Ring (wedding)
1 Diabolic Machine (creation of Rocky)
1 Cyclopean Mummy (creation of Rocky)
1 Dance of Many (Floor Show)
1 Heat Ray (Riff Raff's laser)

The Songs
2 Vesuvan Doppelganger ("Science Fiction Double Feature")
1 Songs of the Damned ("Dammit, Janet")
1 Frankenstein's Monster ("Over at the Frankenstein Place")
1 Time Warp
1 Transmutation ("Sweet Transvestite")
1 Sword of the Ages ("Sword of Damocles")
1 Heat Wave ("Hot Patootie")
1 Touch of Darkness ("Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me")
1 Sunglasses of Urza ("Rose Tint My World")
1 Wild Colos ("Wild and Untamed Thing")
1 Goblin Hero ("Super Heroes")

The Props
1 Incinerate (toast)
1 Hydroblast (squirt gun)
1 Kaervek's Torch (matches)
1 Talruum Piper (toilet paper)

The Set
1 Castle Sengir
1 Rocky Tar Pit
4 City of Brass
7 Swamp
6 Island
5 Mountain

Copper-plated Frogmite

A few years ago, while Mirrodin block was still in vogue, I was going through a 10-cent bin. Along the way I found... a Frogmite.

A very special Frogmite.



A goddamn copper-plated Frogmite.

So what's the story? Maybe some guy was sitting around at a Mirrodin draft, bored out of his skull as he waited, and decided to pimp out his Froggie. A copper gel pen, a solid common and too much time ended up as this. So yes, after decking out his mechanical frog with what should be at least a visual +0/+1 bonus, he stuffed it back into the bins. Now, it serves as the general of the 4 Frogmites in my Affinity deck - Hell, if I get a gold and a silver gel pen, I could have an entire heirachy of them.

I think we're on to something.

The Chess Game

So you just finished your zillionth game of Magic, and there's this strange feeling in your gut. No, it's not the Taco Bell special you had for lunch. It's an actual urge to play a game other than Magic. Lie down for a while; it might go away. If it doesn't, go ahead and try an old favourite - a game of chess. It has always been the game of kings, so maybe it could hold your attention for a while, too.

Chances are, you did not prepare for this eventuality. I mean, really, who plays anything other than Magic? So it is entirely possible that you don't have a chess set. Don't despair. You can draw a 64-square board on that old pizza box over there; it was stinking up the place anyhow. Then go ahead and use these Magic cards as your chess pieces.

White
1 King Suleiman (king)
1 Jhovall Queen (queen)
2 White Knight (knights)
2 Soltari Priest (bishops)
2 Castle (rooks)
8 Squire (pawns)

Black
1 Lord of the Pit (king)
1 Coffin Queen (queen)
2 Black Knight (knights)
2 Priest of Gix (bishops)
2 Castle Sengir (rooks)
8 Thrull Retainer (pawns)

Thumb's Up

Another installment in "Bad Card Made Good." Well... this time around, maybe "Bad Card Made Mediocre." So what are we dealing with today? Coin-flip cards. Every set seems to have them, virtually all of 'em suck and unfortunately they usually take up a rare slot. No surprise then that Krark's Thumb is a shiny, lustrous five-cent rare if ever there was one. Until we come along and break it, that is.

Krark's Thumb is not a curse for the intrepid deckbuilder, but an opportunity for fun - more fun than any Magic player should have. You just need to get the most abusable coin-flip cards out there in hand; from there it's a snap! This Krark's Thumb deck is perfectly suited for casual dueling or multiplayer mayhem. It can really nail an unsuspecting opponent, quickly reducing him to single digits. It's a fiery assault that will force even the most stalwart opponent to knuckle under. With all the reusable gimmicks a deck like this packs, it is ideal for chaos games, where double-helpings of cheese launch quite the joint offensive. Help me... I can't stop.

So how does one play with the Thumb? Certainly no Twiddle is required; although sideboarding one is a natural. Draw into a Thumb using Thirst for Knowledge, or Fabricate for one, then proceed to unleash the heavy artillery: Fiery Gambit. Don't forget to "go all in" and float mana before casting the Gambit; you'll need every last resource to unleash the nine new cards you're about to draw.

Artifacts
4 Krark's Thumb
2 Mirror Gallery
1 Wirefly Hive

Creatures
2 Goblin Archaeologist
3 Goblin Assassin
3 Siege-Gang Commander

Spells
3 Fabricate
4 Fiery Gambit
4 Lightning Bolt
1 Mana Clash
3 Shrapnel Blast
3 Stitch in Time
4 Thirst For Knowledge

Lands
2 Great Furnace
4 Island
2 Izzet Boilerworks
2 Mirrodin's Core
12 Mountain
2 Seat of the Synod

Sideboard
3 Goblin Sharpshooter
2 Havoc
2 Hibernation
2 Pyrostatic Pillar
4 Smash To Smithereens
1 Stabilizer
1 Twiddle

You Don't Say

Everything has its jargon. Sports often have uncomfortably violent colloquialisms. Professions have terms for the most specific of relevant situations. Wrestling announcers make up a new word every bleedin' sentence. So yes, Magic inevitably has developed its own set of lingo. Here are key terms, of past and present, quickly explained....

Ponza
What it is: A red landkill/board-control deck.
What it isn't: The guy from "Happy Days" who often said "Ayyyyyy!"

Engine
What it is: A combo in which you can directly trade one resource, such as life or cards, for another.
What it isn't: An unimpressive metal band that your friend's dweeby younger brother keeps insisting you try listening to.

Gas
What it is: A really good card; also, a card that fuels a deck's combo engine.
What it isn't: The most prevalent component of your dining room after eating Taco Bell.

No-Mar
What it is: A variant on the controllish Go-Mar deck that used Dromar, the Banisher; the "no" implies a version without the dragon.
What it isn't: An all-star shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.

Windmill Slam
What it is: A motion in which one forcefully throws down onto the table an amazing card that they just drew.
What it isn't: The new meal at Denny's restaurants in Holland.

Rainbow
What it is: A deck that utilizes all five colours.
What it isn't: Something hated by South Park's Cartman.

Weenie
What it is: A small, cheap and efficient creature, like Jackal Pup.
What it isn't: What you're thinking right now.

Fattie (Alt. Beater, Groundpounder, Beatstick)
What it is: A "large" creature, typically with at least 4 power and toughness.
What it isn't: Your mom. Oh wait, it totally is.

Beatdown
What it is: A deck strategy that involves attacking and generally dealing damage as quickly as possible.
What it isn't: What you get during your initiation into the Crips.

Mono
What it is: A deck that runs only one colour (i.e. "Mono-Blue")
What it isn't: A disease unlikely to be caught by Magic players.