Indignant Return

My constant foe...!

I told you Return to the Battle for Zendikar would happen in five years' time.

A Bitter Flavour

Flavour text. That short blurb of text at the bottom of any underfilled textbox that is meant to explain, or amuse, or awe. Some cards are extremely effective at this. Some are remarkably less so. When a new set comes out, naturally everyone is going to be looking at its playability first - what new cards combo with old ones, what are the powercards, overall how does it compare? But after we've done the preliminary perusal of powerful pieces, there's still the scraps to pick over, so to speak. Since a new set is coming out so soon, and Battle for Zendikar already got a more thorough review, why not give a quick look to the flavour text of Oath of the Gatewatch?

It turns out we have surprisingly few categories to pick from.

Retard 2: Zendikar

So it seems as if this blog is coming out of a retirement of sorts - let's call it a sabbatical. Well, in order to commemorate it in some marginal way, I think this calls for a moment of reflection. The first post here was to do with Zendikar block, many moons ago. What should we return to for this post of resumption?

Why not Return to Zendikar...?!

Seriously, though. In keeping with Wizards' recent trend of regular "Return to a place you didn't like the first time" blocks, which I suppose is still a step up from "New plane every block; never look back," we're finally getting to revisit that crapsack world of floating rocks and Lovecraftian wannabes, Zendikar. It was promising in theory: an unprecedented theme of Lands Matter, revisiting the Kor, and even a decent surprise in the form of Eldritch horrors. Unfortunately, it somehow ended up being all Razor Boomerangs and The-Land-Continues-to-Burns. How a block simultaneously "upped the power level" and dropped more balls than a palsied basketball team, I couldn't tell you. Clearly one of those statements must be fallacious. Hint: quotation marks.

Anyways, we're not talking about Zendikar, here. We're talking about "Zendikar, after these words from our sponsor." The question is... with the bar set, and not particularly highly at that, how does it compare? We should examine the important things in any set, particularly one spearheading a new block: the story, the mechanics and the playability.

PLOT DESCENT IN ZERLONGS PER MINUTE

The malarkey started with Zendikar.

It was only so much rubbish, as recent sets are won't to do. Fulla creatures n' stuff. Wizards pushing the boundaries for what would be a balanced creature. No usable counterspells in sight. Littered with "Look at me I am 8 years old and I can playing a Magic" cards (AKA Johnny Cards.) Keep in mind I'm saying this all as an aggro player, too.

Now Worldwake. More of the same, only now it's personal. You know that Abyssal Persecutor card? The one that's $26 dollars and wins games? I designed it years ago. It was a little different... I decided 1BB for a 5/5 with the "You can't win and your opponent can't lose" clause was neaty-keen... and you could also pay 3BB to sacrifice it. So it had an escape hatch. The Persecutor is marginally different, yes, but in essence it is the same. (Keep in mind I came up with this back when Wizards was conjuring up such winners as Torpid Moloch and Zephyr Spirit.) Pulse Tracker, too! I designed him about a year ago! Granted, it's about as exciting as Defiant Elf when you get right down to it, but it all just goes to show what Worldwake had to resort to.

But I digress. As I write this, the next set is much-anticipated and speculated about. Called Rise of the Eldrazi, it deals with these nasty Eldrazi blokes showing up from a Cthulhu-esque slumber and basically screwing with everything. After all, it was foreshadowed by Eldrazi Monument, and even more so by Eye of Ugin. Or so people guess.

What is my prediction for the set?

THERE WILL BE NO ELDRAZI CARDS TO SPEAK OF. None. Not one. Eye of Ugin will be even worse than Steamflogger Boss. All the hype will have been one big joke, and Wizards will laugh themselves sick over stupid Zendikar-sympathists who loaded up on the Eye of Ugin in anticipation of it being broken wide open.

Better yet, there WILL be Eldrazi cards, but anyone who has one will be desperate to trade it away for a Wood Elemental or Sorrow's Path. THEY WILL BE TERRIBLE! Seven mana for a 2/1 who can't attack, and deals damage equal to the number of cards in each player's library to you each phase. HA.

IT IS TRUE.

I HAVE DECIDED.