When Is a Mill Not a Mill?

It's one thing to have to change your mind on something. It's quite another to be pissy and indignant about it right up until you make the change.

Card in Review - Spy Kit

Sometimes you see an open-ended card designed to be played with... but with no set goal in mind. As we saw previously, Enchanted Evening has a million potential little synergies with anything that even remotely looks at enchantments. Sun Titan's list of demands are pretty modest at "must be a permanent and 3 or less mana." Other times, however, there's a card that will only work with very... particular synergies in mind.

Gundam: the Gathering

As stated in this article, the giant mechs from Invasion were Mark's second-most hated inclusion in Magic.

Those are some pretty harsh words. Hated them on a conceptual level more than everything else except guns! You can be sure to never see giant robots in any set Mark's at the helm of.

Acataleptically Meretricious Gearwarden of Marjfloop

Hoo boy. Magic is currently sitting at over 16 000 unique cards, and let me tell you... lately it really shows. How's that, you ask? Just look at the newest set, Kaladesh, and tell me they aren't scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel with card names nowadays. Effective, punchy, single-word names are in short supply after twenty-three years of printings, and we're left with entire sentences, the most tenuous synonyms left for "fiery" and made-up fantasy words that would make even George Lucas wince. Every set has had its weak names, all the way back to Alpha with Bad Moon and Dingus Egg. Except nowadays... it feels like every card has its weak names.

Eye of the Tiger

"Rising up, back on the streets
did my time, took my chances
went the distance
now I'm back on my feet
just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight just to keep them alive

(chorus)
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
rising up to the challenge of our rival
and the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
and he's watching us all with the
Eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
hanging tough, staying hungry
they stack the odds
still we take to the street
for the kill with the skill to survive

(chorus)

Rising up, straight to the top
had the guts, got the glory
went the distance
now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

(chorus)

Eye of the tiger (hold on a minute...)"

Standard Issue

 

Standardize? As in make things... Standard? Hey, what other formats could there be a card for?

Changelings up in this

Mistform Ultimus is all of the following:

A Giant Dwarf

A Pirate Ninja

A Turtle Rabbit

An Angel Devil

An Insect Anteater

A Deserter Coward

An Elephant Rat

A Crocodile Eye

A Horror Reflection

A Weird Licid

A Berserker Slug

A Serf Citizen

A Dryad Pincher

An Egg Orb

A Carrier Survivor

A Troll Goat

A Treefolk Splinter

A Human Bat

An Elk Caribou

A Satyr Centaur

A Whale Assassin

A Demon Squirrel

An Efreet Djinn

An Elf Orc

A Kirin Lammasu

A Manticore Masticore

A Tetravite Pentavite Triskelavite

An Ox Aurochs

A Hippo Griffin Hippogriff

A Gremlin Imp

A Pegasus Unicorn

A Hag Fish

A Spirit Dragon

An Egg Bringer

A Wall Spawn

A Rhino Oyster

A Juggernaut Advisor

A Basilisk Cockatrice Gorgon

A Mutant Wolverine Beast Rogue Cyclops Phoenix Angel

A Wizard Cleric Rogue Warrior Monk Barbarian Druid

A Prism Reflection Illusion

A Cat Bat Rat Wombat Bureaucrat

A Lurker Berserker Assembly Worker

A Minor Mutant Ninja Turtle

A Bat Bear Boar Beast Bird

Sizzle Blizzard

Magic's fun. But what's even more fun than fun? Fun with more fun.

That's right - this deck takes a boring ol' fun game of Magic and ups the ante (not literally) with a rhyming decklist. You heard me right, a collection of couplets in a list of limericks that provides an extra, metaphysical element to the brilliance of your deck. Play a game with a self-righteous, knowing smile and your opponent will drive himself crazy trying to figure out what you know about your deck that he doesn't! Or, play one of each card in order and grin at your opponent expectantly as he inevitably gets the fantastic humour of your deckbuilding might! It's enough to make even the shortest, baldest, most conniving and most Sicilian of men say "Stop that rhyming, and I mean it!"

4 Sizzle
4 Blizzard
4 Death’s-Head Buzzard

4 Skizzik
3 Soul Net
3 Izzet Signet

3 Muzzle
3 Frazzle
2 Zap
2 Bamboozle

2 Meddle
1 Twiddle
1 Mask of Riddles

10 Island
4 Scrubland
4 City of Brass
3 Scabland
2 Badlands
1 City of Ass

You Don't Say

Everything has its jargon. Sports often have uncomfortably violent colloquialisms. Professions have terms for the most specific of relevant situations. Wrestling announcers make up a new word every bleedin' sentence. So yes, Magic inevitably has developed its own set of lingo. Here are key terms, of past and present, quickly explained....

Ponza
What it is: A red landkill/board-control deck.
What it isn't: The guy from "Happy Days" who often said "Ayyyyyy!"

Engine
What it is: A combo in which you can directly trade one resource, such as life or cards, for another.
What it isn't: An unimpressive metal band that your friend's dweeby younger brother keeps insisting you try listening to.

Gas
What it is: A really good card; also, a card that fuels a deck's combo engine.
What it isn't: The most prevalent component of your dining room after eating Taco Bell.

No-Mar
What it is: A variant on the controllish Go-Mar deck that used Dromar, the Banisher; the "no" implies a version without the dragon.
What it isn't: An all-star shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.

Windmill Slam
What it is: A motion in which one forcefully throws down onto the table an amazing card that they just drew.
What it isn't: The new meal at Denny's restaurants in Holland.

Rainbow
What it is: A deck that utilizes all five colours.
What it isn't: Something hated by South Park's Cartman.

Weenie
What it is: A small, cheap and efficient creature, like Jackal Pup.
What it isn't: What you're thinking right now.

Fattie (Alt. Beater, Groundpounder, Beatstick)
What it is: A "large" creature, typically with at least 4 power and toughness.
What it isn't: Your mom. Oh wait, it totally is.

Beatdown
What it is: A deck strategy that involves attacking and generally dealing damage as quickly as possible.
What it isn't: What you get during your initiation into the Crips.

Mono
What it is: A deck that runs only one colour (i.e. "Mono-Blue")
What it isn't: A disease unlikely to be caught by Magic players.

Magic card names taken way out of context

I don't have any unique or creative insights today. So, I will subject you all to juvenile humour, instead.

Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.

Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.

Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.

Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?

Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?

Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?

Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.

Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....

Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.

All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....

Der Lame Name Game

Whoever names the blue Magic cards at Wizards of the Coast should be banned.

I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.

Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.

Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.

Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.

Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.

There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.

I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.

Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.