Magic's fun. But what's even more fun than fun? Fun with more fun.
That's right - this deck takes a boring ol' fun game of Magic and ups the ante (not literally) with a rhyming decklist. You heard me right, a collection of couplets in a list of limericks that provides an extra, metaphysical element to the brilliance of your deck. Play a game with a self-righteous, knowing smile and your opponent will drive himself crazy trying to figure out what you know about your deck that he doesn't! Or, play one of each card in order and grin at your opponent expectantly as he inevitably gets the fantastic humour of your deckbuilding might! It's enough to make even the shortest, baldest, most conniving and most Sicilian of men say "Stop that rhyming, and I mean it!"
4 Sizzle
4 Blizzard
4 Death’s-Head Buzzard
4 Skizzik
3 Soul Net
3 Izzet Signet
3 Muzzle
3 Frazzle
2 Zap
2 Bamboozle
2 Meddle
1 Twiddle
1 Mask of Riddles
10 Island
4 Scrubland
4 City of Brass
3 Scabland
2 Badlands
1 City of Ass
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Gimme Some Candy
Peanuts, raisins, nickels... Halloween hosts can sometimes throw real crap into your candy bag. And that's just while visiting the normal everyday American folk. Imagine what it's like in Dominaria. I did, and so I tapped my Orcish Spy to find out what those bizarre Magic denizens mete out. Now, I wish I'd never asked....
Juzam Djinn gives out li'l Arabian dudes.
Kird Apes ask if you have a forest, and if you do, they shower you with kisses.
Taunting Elf calls you a sissy for dressing up.
Wood Elemental gives you a tree. Bring a big bag.
Plague Spitters... well... you don't want to ring their doorbell.
Takklemaggots... actually, forget them, too.
Stone-Throwing Devils calmly put bags of peanut M&Ms in your sack. Surprised?
Sengir Autocrats hand out Serfs to the first three kids to their houses.
Demonic Tutor hands out anti-Satanism pamphlets. It's part of his community service.
Merfolk hand out fried Dan-Dan chunk on a stick.
Goblin Digging Team will give you anything you want in their neighbors' houses.
Abominations give you slices of their gums.
Carrion Ants give you chocolate-covered ants. Creepy, no?
Time Elementals return your lost youth & beauty. Bonus!
Rabid Wombats give you popcorn.
Licids give you a headache.
Coal Golems drop a load of burning hot cinders into your sack.
Rock Hydras give out little electric guitars.
Spitting Slugs give out spoonfuls of mucus-line phlegm.
Copper Gnomes give out pennies. Bastards!
Vesuvan Doppelgangers give you a Hershey Bar, then take it back and give you a Snickers, then take it back and give you a Three Musketeers, then take it back and...
Hidden Guerrillas don't open the door.
Walking Sponges can't open the door. They're just sponges, you know.
Mother of Runes gives you a li'l baby Rune.
Opal Champion never opens the door. It'd really, really like to open the door and give you candied apples, but it just can't.
Eron the Relentless keeps giving you individual, unwrapped Jujubes, until you just walk away.
Illusionary Forces drop something in your bag, but you can't figure out which candy was theirs.
Ebon Praetor gives nothing unless you're dressed as a bunny. Then, he gives you an apple.
Disease Carriers give you syphilis.
Juzam Djinn gives out li'l Arabian dudes.
Kird Apes ask if you have a forest, and if you do, they shower you with kisses.
Taunting Elf calls you a sissy for dressing up.
Wood Elemental gives you a tree. Bring a big bag.
Plague Spitters... well... you don't want to ring their doorbell.
Takklemaggots... actually, forget them, too.
Stone-Throwing Devils calmly put bags of peanut M&Ms in your sack. Surprised?
Sengir Autocrats hand out Serfs to the first three kids to their houses.
Demonic Tutor hands out anti-Satanism pamphlets. It's part of his community service.
Merfolk hand out fried Dan-Dan chunk on a stick.
Goblin Digging Team will give you anything you want in their neighbors' houses.
Abominations give you slices of their gums.
Carrion Ants give you chocolate-covered ants. Creepy, no?
Time Elementals return your lost youth & beauty. Bonus!
Rabid Wombats give you popcorn.
Licids give you a headache.
Coal Golems drop a load of burning hot cinders into your sack.
Rock Hydras give out little electric guitars.
Spitting Slugs give out spoonfuls of mucus-line phlegm.
Copper Gnomes give out pennies. Bastards!
Vesuvan Doppelgangers give you a Hershey Bar, then take it back and give you a Snickers, then take it back and give you a Three Musketeers, then take it back and...
Hidden Guerrillas don't open the door.
Walking Sponges can't open the door. They're just sponges, you know.
Mother of Runes gives you a li'l baby Rune.
Opal Champion never opens the door. It'd really, really like to open the door and give you candied apples, but it just can't.
Eron the Relentless keeps giving you individual, unwrapped Jujubes, until you just walk away.
Illusionary Forces drop something in your bag, but you can't figure out which candy was theirs.
Ebon Praetor gives nothing unless you're dressed as a bunny. Then, he gives you an apple.
Disease Carriers give you syphilis.
Friday, October 15, 2010
For that special someone you really, really hate.
You've had opponents you hate. That guy who thinks he's a Magic virtuoso just because he can pilot a burn deck. The kid who just started playing and thinks he knows it all, but still tries to attack your creatures every single game. The girl who wants to play "fast mana." The old timer who plays Stasis.
But has there even been one guy... that guy... who was worse than all the others? That you really wanted to get back at? That you wanted to... physically destroy a bunch of his expensive cards? In-game... and legally, too?
That got your attention.
1. Play Mycosynth Lattice. Everything in play is now an artifact.
2. Play March of the Machines. Everything in play is now an artifact creature. (You should probably play something like Glorious Anthem to make sure your lands stick around.)
3. Play Blacker Lotus. It will now be a creature, thanks to March of the Machines.
4. Play Mindslaver to take over your opponent's next turn.
5. During his turn, play Mirrorweave, targeting your now-animate Blacker Lotus.
6. Proceed to activate the Lotus' ability for all of your opponent's permanents.
7. Oh, yes.
Be forewarned - if your opponent catches on to your master plan, he'll either concede or start bashin' heads. Still, this is among the most evil things I think you can 'legally' do in a Magic game.
But has there even been one guy... that guy... who was worse than all the others? That you really wanted to get back at? That you wanted to... physically destroy a bunch of his expensive cards? In-game... and legally, too?
That got your attention.
1. Play Mycosynth Lattice. Everything in play is now an artifact.
2. Play March of the Machines. Everything in play is now an artifact creature. (You should probably play something like Glorious Anthem to make sure your lands stick around.)
3. Play Blacker Lotus. It will now be a creature, thanks to March of the Machines.
4. Play Mindslaver to take over your opponent's next turn.
5. During his turn, play Mirrorweave, targeting your now-animate Blacker Lotus.
6. Proceed to activate the Lotus' ability for all of your opponent's permanents.
7. Oh, yes.
Be forewarned - if your opponent catches on to your master plan, he'll either concede or start bashin' heads. Still, this is among the most evil things I think you can 'legally' do in a Magic game.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A Different Kind of Experiment
Taking the activated abilities of creatures is good, but why stop there? Sure, putting a +1/+1 counter on Avatar of Woe and a Horseshoe Crab means you can pay one blue mana to blow up any creature as often as you want, but that's more-or-less under the purview of what's expected. A better combo essentially chews up and spits out the rules of the game.
1. Have Mycosynth Lattice, March of the Machines and Experiment Kraj out.
2. Play any planeswalker. Thanks to your other cards, it is a planeswalker, an artifact and a creature all at once.
3. Put a +1/+1 counter on the planeswalker. Experiment Kraj now has all activated abilities of the planeswalker. So get this - the rules that say a planeswalker's abilities can only be used once per turn pertain to planeswalkers specifically, which Kraj is not. Since they don't require tapping or anything else, you can use any +X abilities the planeswalker has as much as you want to get an arbitrary number of loyalty counters on Kraj.
4. It's like Christmas morning. Bounce everything with Jace, the Mind Sculptor, immediately wipe your opponent's lands with Ajani Vengeant, throw out Nicol Bolas, Planeswalker's ultimate ability three times just to be safe. Anyone left? The various Chandras can throw all the damage in the world at their faces.
Congratulations, you've just passed Breaking The Game 101. Who knew a planeswalker spark was so easy to replicate?
1. Have Mycosynth Lattice, March of the Machines and Experiment Kraj out.
2. Play any planeswalker. Thanks to your other cards, it is a planeswalker, an artifact and a creature all at once.
3. Put a +1/+1 counter on the planeswalker. Experiment Kraj now has all activated abilities of the planeswalker. So get this - the rules that say a planeswalker's abilities can only be used once per turn pertain to planeswalkers specifically, which Kraj is not. Since they don't require tapping or anything else, you can use any +X abilities the planeswalker has as much as you want to get an arbitrary number of loyalty counters on Kraj.
4. It's like Christmas morning. Bounce everything with Jace, the Mind Sculptor, immediately wipe your opponent's lands with Ajani Vengeant, throw out Nicol Bolas, Planeswalker's ultimate ability three times just to be safe. Anyone left? The various Chandras can throw all the damage in the world at their faces.
Congratulations, you've just passed Breaking The Game 101. Who knew a planeswalker spark was so easy to replicate?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I really need a Marsh Flitter!
So this story begins as all the others - one day, whilst flipping through the depths of my local cardstore's 10-cent bin...
...yup. Someone was this hard up for a Marsh Flitter. So much so that they then left the card for me to find. Clearly the colour and mana cost are correct, and of course the name and power/toughness had to be fixed... but the rules text? I don't remember the Flitter reading like that. Corpse counters, huh. Oh wait, what's that? "Make 2 Dudes." Well... there you have it. Marsh Flitter to a T.
So anyways, come fight my awesome Rogue deck sometime. I will make dudes at you.
...yup. Someone was this hard up for a Marsh Flitter. So much so that they then left the card for me to find. Clearly the colour and mana cost are correct, and of course the name and power/toughness had to be fixed... but the rules text? I don't remember the Flitter reading like that. Corpse counters, huh. Oh wait, what's that? "Make 2 Dudes." Well... there you have it. Marsh Flitter to a T.
So anyways, come fight my awesome Rogue deck sometime. I will make dudes at you.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Magic: the Gathering for mostly fun and not much profit!
Step 1. Play Volrath's Laboratory and choose to make blue Illusion tokens.
Step 2. Make an Illusion token. Its name as well as creature type are just "Illusion."
Step 3. Play Retraced Image to put Illusion/Reality from your hand into play.
Step 4. ???
Step 5. PROFIT!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Magic: The Gathering for fun and profit!
Step 1. Use Splintering Wind to put a Splinter token into play.
Step 2. Donate the Splinter token to your opponent.
Step 3. Play Mimeofacture on the Splinter token to search your opponent's library for a copy of the sorcery card Splinter and put it into play.
Step 4. ???
Step 5. PROFIT!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Keeping the Peace
A 4/4 for two mana? Sweet. In white? Even better! Without a double-white casting cost? Where do I sign? That would be the logical reaction if Loxodon Peacekeeper had no text box. But alas he does and because of it, he blows and is the subject of this edition of "Bad Card Made Good."
Forget the Peacekeeper's drawback and focus on its name for a moment. It's a peacekeeper. Not many decks are going to attack headlong into a 4/4 in the early game. Add a few walls to the mix and you're in even better shape against any early onslaught.
Next, enter the Loxodon Warhammer. Asides from making sense flavour-wise, it can get you a 7/4 trampler attacking on turn four. But wait, the mighty hammer gives you life, which is going to send the Peacekeeper in search of a new home. S'all good; you still control the equipment so you'll stay high and dry, plus we'll add some means to get our buddy back for more.
You'll need to ensure that the Peacekeeper has haste when he returns home, be it on your upkeep if you're lower on life or by using Brand. Anger's a better ticket than Lightning Greaves, since we'll still want to target the traitorous elephant.
When it comes to the big finish, there are no shortage of options here. You can rupture an equipped Peacekeeper to deal seven to the world. There's also fling. But best of all? Swinging with the Peacekeeper and letting him head to the opposing bench so you can hit him with Cinder Cloud, dealing seven to your foe's skull if he's equipped. Your friend will be stunned when your "Lox" turns his life total into a bagel. ALL CREAM, NO CHEESE, BABY!
Artifacts
4 Loxodon Warhammer
Red
4 Anger
4 Brand
4 Cinder Cloud
2 Fling
4 Rupture
4 Starstorm
White
3 Angelic Wall
4 Loxodon Peacekeeper
4 Perimeter Captain
Land
4 Battlefield Forge
11 Mountain
8 Plains
Forget the Peacekeeper's drawback and focus on its name for a moment. It's a peacekeeper. Not many decks are going to attack headlong into a 4/4 in the early game. Add a few walls to the mix and you're in even better shape against any early onslaught.
Next, enter the Loxodon Warhammer. Asides from making sense flavour-wise, it can get you a 7/4 trampler attacking on turn four. But wait, the mighty hammer gives you life, which is going to send the Peacekeeper in search of a new home. S'all good; you still control the equipment so you'll stay high and dry, plus we'll add some means to get our buddy back for more.
You'll need to ensure that the Peacekeeper has haste when he returns home, be it on your upkeep if you're lower on life or by using Brand. Anger's a better ticket than Lightning Greaves, since we'll still want to target the traitorous elephant.
When it comes to the big finish, there are no shortage of options here. You can rupture an equipped Peacekeeper to deal seven to the world. There's also fling. But best of all? Swinging with the Peacekeeper and letting him head to the opposing bench so you can hit him with Cinder Cloud, dealing seven to your foe's skull if he's equipped. Your friend will be stunned when your "Lox" turns his life total into a bagel. ALL CREAM, NO CHEESE, BABY!
Artifacts
4 Loxodon Warhammer
Red
4 Anger
4 Brand
4 Cinder Cloud
2 Fling
4 Rupture
4 Starstorm
White
3 Angelic Wall
4 Loxodon Peacekeeper
4 Perimeter Captain
Land
4 Battlefield Forge
11 Mountain
8 Plains
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I Think, Therefore I Am
Maybe tinkering with Un-cards is kind of cheating, since there are no end of rules they break for the fun of it. That said, I think we have a very unusual scenario that you wouldn't expect to be able to achieve, with Yet Another Aether Vortex. With a tricky little scenario, it can be in play simply because it says so.
Even if there are no permanents in play, and no cards in any player's hand or graveyard, Yet Another Aether Vortex can be face-up on top of your library, as well as in play. This may not seem possible in a vacuum, but consider this: you have a copy of Yet Another Aether Vortex in play, which naturally reveals the top card of your library, being... a second copy of Yet Another Aether Vortex! So the one in play makes the one on top of your library count as being in play as well, making its abilities active just as any other permanent's would be. But let's say you then play Renounce, sacrificing everything you've got except for the Vortex on top of your library. Now it is your only permanent, and it's only still in play because it says it is. "The top card of your library is in play." "Sez who?" "Me, the top card of your library!" Its ability keeps its ability active. Sure, when you draw it next turn the party is over, but whoever saw that one coming?
Even if there are no permanents in play, and no cards in any player's hand or graveyard, Yet Another Aether Vortex can be face-up on top of your library, as well as in play. This may not seem possible in a vacuum, but consider this: you have a copy of Yet Another Aether Vortex in play, which naturally reveals the top card of your library, being... a second copy of Yet Another Aether Vortex! So the one in play makes the one on top of your library count as being in play as well, making its abilities active just as any other permanent's would be. But let's say you then play Renounce, sacrificing everything you've got except for the Vortex on top of your library. Now it is your only permanent, and it's only still in play because it says it is. "The top card of your library is in play." "Sez who?" "Me, the top card of your library!" Its ability keeps its ability active. Sure, when you draw it next turn the party is over, but whoever saw that one coming?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Game of Life
Building off the last article, this is a quick Multiplayer variant that can add spice to an otherwise tepid game.
In this variant, life never disappears; it is passed between the players. Instead of a life total, each player begins the game with 20 poker chips, counters, whatever. (Using "fingers and toes" as a symbolic unit not recommended.) Whenever you deal damage to another player with a spell, effect or creature, that player must give you a number of chips equal to the damage. For example, if you cast Lightning Bolt on a player, he loses three chips, you gain three chips. (Even better than Lightning Helix!)
When a player has zero chips, he is out of the game. If one of your cards deals damage to you or causes you to lose life, you lose chips to the "bank," which is empty at the beginning of the game. Whenever you gain life from a spell or effect, take chips from the bank. If there aren't enough chips - as will usually be the case - you're outta luck. In addition, you may attempt to bribe other players by giving them chips, but a player who takes a bribe is not required to keep his word. Likewise, a player who promises a payment is not required to follow through on the pact.
Parting advice: with this variant, seriously watch out for Transcendence decks.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Multiplayer Madness
You and several of your friends sit down to play a big game of "chaos" multiplayer Magic fresh and full of enthusiasm. Three hours later, nobody is willing to do anything offensive, except for the guy who attacked early on - and he was ganged-up on and killed two-and-half hours ago. Now it's down to whoever played the least card-drawing and is decked last. Or maybe you got mana-screwed with only one land. For the first seven turns, your opponents took pity on you. Eventually, when you still had no land, they decided to put you out of your misery. Now, you've got to sit around for two hours - relegated to watching reruns of NBC's Saturday night "Thrillogy" - while your friends have fun.
Sound like your multiplayer games? If you've ever tried playing a large game with five or more players, you've probably run into these problems, and quite a few other ones as well. Fortunately, there are ways you can improve your multiplayer experience. Here are some of the common problems players encounter and a few solutions:
Sound like your multiplayer games? If you've ever tried playing a large game with five or more players, you've probably run into these problems, and quite a few other ones as well. Fortunately, there are ways you can improve your multiplayer experience. Here are some of the common problems players encounter and a few solutions:
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Enchant Enchantment
Local enchantments always want to be stuck on something else. Enchant creature, enchant player, even enchant world! Perhaps most accommodating of all is the enchant permanent, which can be stapled to anything at all, even... well, even another local enchantment, come to think of it. Is there something that can be done with this fact?
Consider this: play Indestructibility on one of your cards. Now play a second Indestructibility, enchanting the first one. Lastly, use Simic Guildmage to make the first Indestructibility instead enchant the second one (which is enchanting it in turn.) The result is two auras that are only kept in play by virtue of enchanting the other. Oh yeah, and in this case, they happen to be indestructible, too? Weird stuff.
"Something here is indestructible."
"What is?"
"The indestructibility."
Consider this: play Indestructibility on one of your cards. Now play a second Indestructibility, enchanting the first one. Lastly, use Simic Guildmage to make the first Indestructibility instead enchant the second one (which is enchanting it in turn.) The result is two auras that are only kept in play by virtue of enchanting the other. Oh yeah, and in this case, they happen to be indestructible, too? Weird stuff.
"Something here is indestructible."
"What is?"
"The indestructibility."
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Toilet paper, squirt guns and toast? Sounds like Friday Night Magic to me. That, or the cult classic that is The Rocky Horror Picture Show! It's been playing in some theatres for well over 30 years, giving it more staying power than white weenie. So why not translate that to a deck? You can bust out your own audience participation lines every time you cast a spell. And if you ever had the urge to spontaneously break out in song and prance around in drag while playing Magic - and who hasn't? - here's your big chance!
The Cast
1 Bone Dancer (Frank N. Furter)
1 Ass(embly) Hall (Brad)
1 Gwendlyn Di Corci (Janet)
1 Enslaved Horror (Rocky Horror)
1 Sengir Autocrat (Riff Raff)
1 Coffin Queen (Magenta)
1 Wind Dancer (Columbia)
1 Musician (Eddie)
1 Wizard Mentor (Doctor Scott)
1 Archivist (The Criminologist)
1 Tolarian Enchanter (The Transylvanians)
The Show
1 Abduction
1 All Hallow's Eve
1 Lightning Bolt
1 Nightmare
1 Jinxed Ring (wedding)
1 Diabolic Machine (creation of Rocky)
1 Cyclopean Mummy (creation of Rocky)
1 Dance of Many (Floor Show)
1 Heat Ray (Riff Raff's laser)
The Songs
2 Vesuvan Doppelganger ("Science Fiction Double Feature")
1 Songs of the Damned ("Dammit, Janet")
1 Frankenstein's Monster ("Over at the Frankenstein Place")
1 Time Warp
1 Transmutation ("Sweet Transvestite")
1 Sword of the Ages ("Sword of Damocles")
1 Heat Wave ("Hot Patootie")
1 Touch of Darkness ("Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me")
1 Sunglasses of Urza ("Rose Tint My World")
1 Wild Colos ("Wild and Untamed Thing")
1 Goblin Hero ("Super Heroes")
The Props
1 Incinerate (toast)
1 Hydroblast (squirt gun)
1 Kaervek's Torch (matches)
1 Talruum Piper (toilet paper)
The Set
1 Castle Sengir
1 Rocky Tar Pit
4 City of Brass
7 Swamp
6 Island
5 Mountain
The Cast
1 Bone Dancer (Frank N. Furter)
1 Ass(embly) Hall (Brad)
1 Gwendlyn Di Corci (Janet)
1 Enslaved Horror (Rocky Horror)
1 Sengir Autocrat (Riff Raff)
1 Coffin Queen (Magenta)
1 Wind Dancer (Columbia)
1 Musician (Eddie)
1 Wizard Mentor (Doctor Scott)
1 Archivist (The Criminologist)
1 Tolarian Enchanter (The Transylvanians)
The Show
1 Abduction
1 All Hallow's Eve
1 Lightning Bolt
1 Nightmare
1 Jinxed Ring (wedding)
1 Diabolic Machine (creation of Rocky)
1 Cyclopean Mummy (creation of Rocky)
1 Dance of Many (Floor Show)
1 Heat Ray (Riff Raff's laser)
The Songs
2 Vesuvan Doppelganger ("Science Fiction Double Feature")
1 Songs of the Damned ("Dammit, Janet")
1 Frankenstein's Monster ("Over at the Frankenstein Place")
1 Time Warp
1 Transmutation ("Sweet Transvestite")
1 Sword of the Ages ("Sword of Damocles")
1 Heat Wave ("Hot Patootie")
1 Touch of Darkness ("Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me")
1 Sunglasses of Urza ("Rose Tint My World")
1 Wild Colos ("Wild and Untamed Thing")
1 Goblin Hero ("Super Heroes")
The Props
1 Incinerate (toast)
1 Hydroblast (squirt gun)
1 Kaervek's Torch (matches)
1 Talruum Piper (toilet paper)
The Set
1 Castle Sengir
1 Rocky Tar Pit
4 City of Brass
7 Swamp
6 Island
5 Mountain
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ante Up
Ante cards were an interesting but generally disliked part of the Magic universe. In the game's beginnings, playing for ante was the expected thing to do - cards were on the line, and if you won it was considered good form to offer to trade your opponent's ex-ante card back for something else. Of course, with remarks of advocating satanism already on the game's head, Wizards didn't want the idea of supporting gambling in there as well. Also, rumour has it people don't like losing their cards. So, ante cards are all banned and no one really plays for ante anymore.
That doesn't mean it never happens. And if it does, there are some pretty rude tricks one can pull.
An evil deck can be built with just 56 swamps and four copies of Darkpact, a black sorcery that lets you switch the top card of your library with either ante card. You'll probably flip up a swamp as your ante card. You can later cast Darkpact to switch your top library card - another Swamp - with your opponent's ante card. Then concede and laugh maniacally.
Another nasty trick involves one of the few ante creatures, Tempest Efreet. Once your opponent has played something particularly nice, cast the Efreet, which lets you switch ownership of it and any card in your opponent's hand. Use discard to knock out his hand, then a bounce spell like Boomerang to pop a cool card back to his hand to be nailed by the Efreet. Not bad, but the clincher? Make a token of the Efreet and use it instead! Yes, you legally take one of your opponent's cards (or just win) and he gets squat. Pulling it off with Dance of Many is pretty mean, but see what happens when you enchant him with Splinter Twin.
Lastly, Contract from Below. What's the mean trick involving this card? Oh, just playing it. People said Ancestral Recall is okay for netting you three card for one mana; this gets you seven for the same amount. Plus, if you're playing 5-colour Magic, it has errata saying you don't ante anything if you're not playing for ante... meaning it has no real drawback. Whee....
That doesn't mean it never happens. And if it does, there are some pretty rude tricks one can pull.
An evil deck can be built with just 56 swamps and four copies of Darkpact, a black sorcery that lets you switch the top card of your library with either ante card. You'll probably flip up a swamp as your ante card. You can later cast Darkpact to switch your top library card - another Swamp - with your opponent's ante card. Then concede and laugh maniacally.
Another nasty trick involves one of the few ante creatures, Tempest Efreet. Once your opponent has played something particularly nice, cast the Efreet, which lets you switch ownership of it and any card in your opponent's hand. Use discard to knock out his hand, then a bounce spell like Boomerang to pop a cool card back to his hand to be nailed by the Efreet. Not bad, but the clincher? Make a token of the Efreet and use it instead! Yes, you legally take one of your opponent's cards (or just win) and he gets squat. Pulling it off with Dance of Many is pretty mean, but see what happens when you enchant him with Splinter Twin.
Lastly, Contract from Below. What's the mean trick involving this card? Oh, just playing it. People said Ancestral Recall is okay for netting you three card for one mana; this gets you seven for the same amount. Plus, if you're playing 5-colour Magic, it has errata saying you don't ante anything if you're not playing for ante... meaning it has no real drawback. Whee....
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Copper-plated Frogmite
A few years ago, while Mirrodin block was still in vogue, I was going through a 10-cent bin. Along the way I found... a Frogmite.
A very special Frogmite.
A goddamn copper-plated Frogmite.
So what's the story? Maybe some guy was sitting around at a Mirrodin draft, bored out of his skull as he waited, and decided to pimp out his Froggie. A copper gel pen, a solid common and too much time ended up as this. So yes, after decking out his mechanical frog with what should be at least a visual +0/+1 bonus, he stuffed it back into the bins. Now, it serves as the general of the 4 Frogmites in my Affinity deck - Hell, if I get a gold and a silver gel pen, I could have an entire heirachy of them.
I think we're on to something.
A very special Frogmite.
A goddamn copper-plated Frogmite.
So what's the story? Maybe some guy was sitting around at a Mirrodin draft, bored out of his skull as he waited, and decided to pimp out his Froggie. A copper gel pen, a solid common and too much time ended up as this. So yes, after decking out his mechanical frog with what should be at least a visual +0/+1 bonus, he stuffed it back into the bins. Now, it serves as the general of the 4 Frogmites in my Affinity deck - Hell, if I get a gold and a silver gel pen, I could have an entire heirachy of them.
I think we're on to something.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Chess Game
So you just finished your zillionth game of Magic, and there's this strange feeling in your gut. No, it's not the Taco Bell special you had for lunch. It's an actual urge to play a game other than Magic. Lie down for a while; it might go away. If it doesn't, go ahead and try an old favourite - a game of chess. It has always been the game of kings, so maybe it could hold your attention for a while, too.
Chances are, you did not prepare for this eventuality. I mean, really, who plays anything other than Magic? So it is entirely possible that you don't have a chess set. Don't despair. You can draw a 64-square board on that old pizza box over there; it was stinking up the place anyhow. Then go ahead and use these Magic cards as your chess pieces.
White
1 King Suleiman (king)
1 Jhovall Queen (queen)
2 White Knight (knights)
2 Soltari Priest (bishops)
2 Castle (rooks)
8 Squire (pawns)
Black
1 Lord of the Pit (king)
1 Coffin Queen (queen)
2 Black Knight (knights)
2 Priest of Gix (bishops)
2 Castle Sengir (rooks)
8 Thrull Retainer (pawns)
Chances are, you did not prepare for this eventuality. I mean, really, who plays anything other than Magic? So it is entirely possible that you don't have a chess set. Don't despair. You can draw a 64-square board on that old pizza box over there; it was stinking up the place anyhow. Then go ahead and use these Magic cards as your chess pieces.
White
1 King Suleiman (king)
1 Jhovall Queen (queen)
2 White Knight (knights)
2 Soltari Priest (bishops)
2 Castle (rooks)
8 Squire (pawns)
Black
1 Lord of the Pit (king)
1 Coffin Queen (queen)
2 Black Knight (knights)
2 Priest of Gix (bishops)
2 Castle Sengir (rooks)
8 Thrull Retainer (pawns)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Thumb's Up
Another installment in "Bad Card Made Good." Well... this time around, maybe "Bad Card Made Mediocre." So what are we dealing with today? Coin-flip cards. Every set seems to have them, virtually all of 'em suck and unfortunately they usually take up a rare slot. No surprise then that Krark's Thumb is a shiny, lustrous five-cent rare if ever there was one. Until we come along and break it, that is.
Krark's Thumb is not a curse for the intrepid deckbuilder, but an opportunity for fun - more fun than any Magic player should have. You just need to get the most abusable coin-flip cards out there in hand; from there it's a snap! This Krark's Thumb deck is perfectly suited for casual dueling or multiplayer mayhem. It can really nail an unsuspecting opponent, quickly reducing him to single digits. It's a fiery assault that will force even the most stalwart opponent to knuckle under. With all the reusable gimmicks a deck like this packs, it is ideal for chaos games, where double-helpings of cheese launch quite the joint offensive.Help me... I can't stop.
So how does one play with the Thumb? Certainly no Twiddle is required; although sideboarding one is a natural. Draw into a Thumb using Thirst for Knowledge, or Fabricate for one, then proceed to unleash the heavy artillery: Fiery Gambit. Don't forget to "go all in" and float mana before casting the Gambit; you'll need every last resource to unleash the nine new cards you're about to draw.
Artifacts
4 Krark's Thumb
2 Mirror Gallery
1 Wirefly Hive
Creatures
2 Goblin Archaeologist
3 Goblin Assassin
3 Siege-Gang Commander
Spells
3 Fabricate
4 Fiery Gambit
4 Lightning Bolt
1 Mana Clash
3 Shrapnel Blast
3 Stitch in Time
4 Thirst For Knowledge
Lands
2 Great Furnace
4 Island
2 Izzet Boilerworks
2 Mirrodin's Core
12 Mountain
2 Seat of the Synod
Sideboard
3 Goblin Sharpshooter
2 Havoc
2 Hibernation
2 Pyrostatic Pillar
4 Smash To Smithereens
1 Stabilizer
1 Twiddle
Krark's Thumb is not a curse for the intrepid deckbuilder, but an opportunity for fun - more fun than any Magic player should have. You just need to get the most abusable coin-flip cards out there in hand; from there it's a snap! This Krark's Thumb deck is perfectly suited for casual dueling or multiplayer mayhem. It can really nail an unsuspecting opponent, quickly reducing him to single digits. It's a fiery assault that will force even the most stalwart opponent to knuckle under. With all the reusable gimmicks a deck like this packs, it is ideal for chaos games, where double-helpings of cheese launch quite the joint offensive.
So how does one play with the Thumb? Certainly no Twiddle is required; although sideboarding one is a natural. Draw into a Thumb using Thirst for Knowledge, or Fabricate for one, then proceed to unleash the heavy artillery: Fiery Gambit. Don't forget to "go all in" and float mana before casting the Gambit; you'll need every last resource to unleash the nine new cards you're about to draw.
Artifacts
4 Krark's Thumb
2 Mirror Gallery
1 Wirefly Hive
Creatures
2 Goblin Archaeologist
3 Goblin Assassin
3 Siege-Gang Commander
Spells
3 Fabricate
4 Fiery Gambit
4 Lightning Bolt
1 Mana Clash
3 Shrapnel Blast
3 Stitch in Time
4 Thirst For Knowledge
Lands
2 Great Furnace
4 Island
2 Izzet Boilerworks
2 Mirrodin's Core
12 Mountain
2 Seat of the Synod
Sideboard
3 Goblin Sharpshooter
2 Havoc
2 Hibernation
2 Pyrostatic Pillar
4 Smash To Smithereens
1 Stabilizer
1 Twiddle
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
You Don't Say
Everything has its jargon. Sports often have uncomfortably violent colloquialisms. Professions have terms for the most specific of relevant situations. Wrestling announcers make up a new word every bleedin' sentence. So yes, Magic inevitably has developed its own set of lingo. Here are key terms, of past and present, quickly explained....
Ponza
What it is: A red landkill/board-control deck.
What it isn't: The guy from "Happy Days" who often said "Ayyyyyy!"
Engine
What it is: A combo in which you can directly trade one resource, such as life or cards, for another.
What it isn't: An unimpressive metal band that your friend's dweeby younger brother keeps insisting you try listening to.
Gas
What it is: A really good card; also, a card that fuels a deck's combo engine.
What it isn't: The most prevalent component of your dining room after eating Taco Bell.
No-Mar
What it is: A variant on the controllish Go-Mar deck that used Dromar, the Banisher; the "no" implies a version without the dragon.
What it isn't: An all-star shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.
Windmill Slam
What it is: A motion in which one forcefully throws down onto the table an amazing card that they just drew.
What it isn't: The new meal at Denny's restaurants in Holland.
Rainbow
What it is: A deck that utilizes all five colours.
What it isn't: Something hated by South Park's Cartman.
Weenie
What it is: A small, cheap and efficient creature, like Jackal Pup.
What it isn't: What you're thinking right now.
Fattie (Alt. Beater, Groundpounder, Beatstick)
What it is: A "large" creature, typically with at least 4 power and toughness.
What it isn't: Your mom. Oh wait, it totally is.
Beatdown
What it is: A deck strategy that involves attacking and generally dealing damage as quickly as possible.
What it isn't: What you get during your initiation into the Crips.
Mono
What it is: A deck that runs only one colour (i.e. "Mono-Blue")
What it isn't: A disease unlikely to be caught by Magic players.
Ponza
What it is: A red landkill/board-control deck.
What it isn't: The guy from "Happy Days" who often said "Ayyyyyy!"
Engine
What it is: A combo in which you can directly trade one resource, such as life or cards, for another.
What it isn't: An unimpressive metal band that your friend's dweeby younger brother keeps insisting you try listening to.
Gas
What it is: A really good card; also, a card that fuels a deck's combo engine.
What it isn't: The most prevalent component of your dining room after eating Taco Bell.
No-Mar
What it is: A variant on the controllish Go-Mar deck that used Dromar, the Banisher; the "no" implies a version without the dragon.
What it isn't: An all-star shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.
Windmill Slam
What it is: A motion in which one forcefully throws down onto the table an amazing card that they just drew.
What it isn't: The new meal at Denny's restaurants in Holland.
Rainbow
What it is: A deck that utilizes all five colours.
What it isn't: Something hated by South Park's Cartman.
Weenie
What it is: A small, cheap and efficient creature, like Jackal Pup.
What it isn't: What you're thinking right now.
Fattie (Alt. Beater, Groundpounder, Beatstick)
What it is: A "large" creature, typically with at least 4 power and toughness.
What it isn't: Your mom. Oh wait, it totally is.
Beatdown
What it is: A deck strategy that involves attacking and generally dealing damage as quickly as possible.
What it isn't: What you get during your initiation into the Crips.
Mono
What it is: A deck that runs only one colour (i.e. "Mono-Blue")
What it isn't: A disease unlikely to be caught by Magic players.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Ahoy Matey!
Another installment in the archive of sad little theme decks - today's theme? Pirates.
Pirates go about blasting away at folks and stealing things wherever there's water. For one, that means they should be safe from land destruction decks. What's left after you destroy all the land in the world? Waterworld? Well, I couldn't really come up with a "Bad Kevin Costner movies" theme deck, despite there being plenty of fodder, so instead I thought up a pirate deck. That delightful Mercadian Masques has a lot of theme deck potential and it wouldn't be hard to put together a Masques-block deck, but I couldn't resist the likes of Pirate Ship and Ramirez.
The Pirates
1 Armored Galleon
1 Cloud Pirates
1 Kukemssa Pirates
1 Pirate Ship
1 Ramirez DePietro
1 Reef Pirates
1 Rishadan Airship
1 Rishadan Brigand
1 Rishadan Cutpurse
1 Rishadan Footpad
1 Steam Frigate
Strange Monsters
1 Drowned
1 Sea Monster
1 Skeleton Ship
1 Tidal Kraken
Shore Trouble
1 Betrayal
1 Bribery
1 Hoodwink
1 Misdirection
1 Port Inspector
1 Rishadan Pawnshop
1 Waterfront Bouncer
Sailing the Seas
1 Barbed Sextant
1 Coastal Piracy
1 Crooked Scales
1 Deep Water
1 Doom Cannon
1 Embargo
1 Explorer's Scope
1 High Tide
1 Piracy
1 Piracy Charm
1 Siren's Call
1 Star Compass
1 Trade Routes
1 Treachery
1 Treasure Trove
1 War Barge
1 War Tax
Destinations
1 Coral Atoll
1 Dark Depths
2 Dreadship Reef
10 Island
1 Lonely Sandbar
1 Remote Isle
1 Rishadan Port
1 Rootwater Depths
1 Saprazzan Cove
1 Seafarer's Quay
1 Watery Grave
Pirates go about blasting away at folks and stealing things wherever there's water. For one, that means they should be safe from land destruction decks. What's left after you destroy all the land in the world? Waterworld? Well, I couldn't really come up with a "Bad Kevin Costner movies" theme deck, despite there being plenty of fodder, so instead I thought up a pirate deck. That delightful Mercadian Masques has a lot of theme deck potential and it wouldn't be hard to put together a Masques-block deck, but I couldn't resist the likes of Pirate Ship and Ramirez.
The Pirates
1 Armored Galleon
1 Cloud Pirates
1 Kukemssa Pirates
1 Pirate Ship
1 Ramirez DePietro
1 Reef Pirates
1 Rishadan Airship
1 Rishadan Brigand
1 Rishadan Cutpurse
1 Rishadan Footpad
1 Steam Frigate
Strange Monsters
1 Drowned
1 Sea Monster
1 Skeleton Ship
1 Tidal Kraken
Shore Trouble
1 Betrayal
1 Bribery
1 Hoodwink
1 Misdirection
1 Port Inspector
1 Rishadan Pawnshop
1 Waterfront Bouncer
Sailing the Seas
1 Barbed Sextant
1 Coastal Piracy
1 Crooked Scales
1 Deep Water
1 Doom Cannon
1 Embargo
1 Explorer's Scope
1 High Tide
1 Piracy
1 Piracy Charm
1 Siren's Call
1 Star Compass
1 Trade Routes
1 Treachery
1 Treasure Trove
1 War Barge
1 War Tax
Destinations
1 Coral Atoll
1 Dark Depths
2 Dreadship Reef
10 Island
1 Lonely Sandbar
1 Remote Isle
1 Rishadan Port
1 Rootwater Depths
1 Saprazzan Cove
1 Seafarer's Quay
1 Watery Grave
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Five Guaranteed Ways To Win
Tourney scene too rough? Sick of losing all the time? Of course you are. After all, you do lose all the time. I can tell. I smell it from here. Anyways, here are five sure-fire techniques for turning humiliating defeat into glorious victory. Simply follow the simple step-by-step directions and the fame, moolah and chicks will all be yours.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Rags to Liches
Trash rares. Every set has 'em, and the odds are you're gonna crack one or two while trying to score a hot rare foil. It doesn't have to be that way, though. No, I'm not advocating ripping packs open before making you gaming shop purchases. Instead, why not turn garbage into gold? With a little ingenuity, any card - alright, goblin game excepted - can be turned into a theme deck gem.
Today's lesson: Nefarious Lich Lockdown.
Let's get the obvious out of the way: 99.9% of the time, Nefarious Lich blows. In a way, though, that makes it a useful card. For one, you'll never have trouble trading for one or four. More importantly, when you break it, you'll look like a friggin' genius. So how exactly does one go about doing this?
In order to break this seldom-used enchantment, you'll need both a surefire way to gain life and a productive means by which cards could be pitched. Enter Confessor and Zombie Infestation. Suddenly, for every two cards discarded, you gain two life. However, with the Lich in play, you would draw two cards instead. Chuck those to the infestation, create another 2/2 creature token, draw two cards, wash, rinse, repeat.
The Lich and the Infestation are black; Confessor is white. We're done choosing colours, right? Not so fast, killer. Let's not forget that should the Nefarious Lich leave play, even due to a bounce spell, you lose. Don't leave home without a splash of green for Tranquil Grove. Furthermore, this gives you access to an alternate win mechanism in Wild Mongrel. The broken hound serves two purposes here. First, it allows the deck to come out fast with teeth bared. Secondly, in the event you can't get an Infestation into the mix, the dog provides you another means to which you can cycle cards. Use black elimination to clear the path and let the dog swing for the fences.
Four copies each of Diabolic Edict and Ghastly Demise, plus three Innocent Bloods, clear out threats while you set up. Four Tutors let you fetch the Lich, as do your Sterling Groves if the situation is dire. Try to keep a Grove in play to protect you at all costs, though.
Lastly, the deck runs Life Burst. In the early game, it provides a shot in the arm to buy time to set up. It also lets you play the Lich in a pinch, netting a potential 16 cards for two mana. That oughta find the creature-kill you need, or the Confessor and Zombie Infestation needed to set up the kill mechanism.
The Deck
Black
4 Diabolic Edict
4 Diabolic Tutor
4 Ghastly Demise
3 Innocent Blood
2 Nefarious Lich
4 Zombie Infestation
Gold
3 Sterling Grove
Green
4 Wild Mongrel
White
4 Confessor
4 Life Burst
Lands
3 Forest
3 Krosan Verge
3 Plains
11 Swamp
2 Tainted Field
2 Tainted Wood
There are a few other options you can run. Echoing Courage can serve as insurance, but you should be able to spawn enough tokens to flood your opponent in one or two attacks. The confessor serves as a keystone in the deck, so a form of protecting him can be paramount; Floating Shield isn't a bad idea. Running Greater Auramancy instead of the Grove can let you stick to only two colours, smoothing out the deck. Lastly, if you have money, bombs like Damnation and Vindicate can tighten the deck up, and fetch lands can ease out the mana curve further. As is, however, the deck should work better than you'd expect.
The most fun decks to play are ones where your opponent laughs when you play a "rotten" card, then watches helplessly as that crapmeister causes their death. Sure, I wouldn't recommend whipping this bad boy out at a Vintage tourney, but heck, for sheer fun value, I'd rather play Nefarious Lich than Donate or Affinity any day.
As a parting note, try the Nefarious Lich with Words of Worship. Just for fun.
Today's lesson: Nefarious Lich Lockdown.
Let's get the obvious out of the way: 99.9% of the time, Nefarious Lich blows. In a way, though, that makes it a useful card. For one, you'll never have trouble trading for one or four. More importantly, when you break it, you'll look like a friggin' genius. So how exactly does one go about doing this?
In order to break this seldom-used enchantment, you'll need both a surefire way to gain life and a productive means by which cards could be pitched. Enter Confessor and Zombie Infestation. Suddenly, for every two cards discarded, you gain two life. However, with the Lich in play, you would draw two cards instead. Chuck those to the infestation, create another 2/2 creature token, draw two cards, wash, rinse, repeat.
The Lich and the Infestation are black; Confessor is white. We're done choosing colours, right? Not so fast, killer. Let's not forget that should the Nefarious Lich leave play, even due to a bounce spell, you lose. Don't leave home without a splash of green for Tranquil Grove. Furthermore, this gives you access to an alternate win mechanism in Wild Mongrel. The broken hound serves two purposes here. First, it allows the deck to come out fast with teeth bared. Secondly, in the event you can't get an Infestation into the mix, the dog provides you another means to which you can cycle cards. Use black elimination to clear the path and let the dog swing for the fences.
Four copies each of Diabolic Edict and Ghastly Demise, plus three Innocent Bloods, clear out threats while you set up. Four Tutors let you fetch the Lich, as do your Sterling Groves if the situation is dire. Try to keep a Grove in play to protect you at all costs, though.
Lastly, the deck runs Life Burst. In the early game, it provides a shot in the arm to buy time to set up. It also lets you play the Lich in a pinch, netting a potential 16 cards for two mana. That oughta find the creature-kill you need, or the Confessor and Zombie Infestation needed to set up the kill mechanism.
The Deck
Black
4 Diabolic Edict
4 Diabolic Tutor
4 Ghastly Demise
3 Innocent Blood
2 Nefarious Lich
4 Zombie Infestation
Gold
3 Sterling Grove
Green
4 Wild Mongrel
White
4 Confessor
4 Life Burst
Lands
3 Forest
3 Krosan Verge
3 Plains
11 Swamp
2 Tainted Field
2 Tainted Wood
There are a few other options you can run. Echoing Courage can serve as insurance, but you should be able to spawn enough tokens to flood your opponent in one or two attacks. The confessor serves as a keystone in the deck, so a form of protecting him can be paramount; Floating Shield isn't a bad idea. Running Greater Auramancy instead of the Grove can let you stick to only two colours, smoothing out the deck. Lastly, if you have money, bombs like Damnation and Vindicate can tighten the deck up, and fetch lands can ease out the mana curve further. As is, however, the deck should work better than you'd expect.
The most fun decks to play are ones where your opponent laughs when you play a "rotten" card, then watches helplessly as that crapmeister causes their death. Sure, I wouldn't recommend whipping this bad boy out at a Vintage tourney, but heck, for sheer fun value, I'd rather play Nefarious Lich than Donate or Affinity any day.
As a parting note, try the Nefarious Lich with Words of Worship. Just for fun.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Goblin Kites
A few weeks ago, I was rifling through the 10-cent bin at my local cardstore. While diligently looking for oh, I don't know, something else, I found a Goblin Kites.
But it wasn't just any Goblin Kites.
...SERIOUSLY?!
That is the single worst cutting job I have ever seen on a card. Whomever is responsible must have done so with a hacksaw, the handle gripped not-so-expertly between his buttocks. Seriously... I've seen cards with uneven borders, but never one with a border completely missing! But wait, look closely... is that? Yes. You can see a tiny fragment of a green card spilling onto the top of the Goblin Kites. How lovely. Ah, it's just as well - what good did green give us in Fallen Empires? In fact, what good did Fallen Empires give us at all? Asides from the game-breaker that is Delif's Cone, I mean.
So, I believe I may very well have the world's oldest split card.
But it wasn't just any Goblin Kites.
...SERIOUSLY?!
That is the single worst cutting job I have ever seen on a card. Whomever is responsible must have done so with a hacksaw, the handle gripped not-so-expertly between his buttocks. Seriously... I've seen cards with uneven borders, but never one with a border completely missing! But wait, look closely... is that? Yes. You can see a tiny fragment of a green card spilling onto the top of the Goblin Kites. How lovely. Ah, it's just as well - what good did green give us in Fallen Empires? In fact, what good did Fallen Empires give us at all? Asides from the game-breaker that is Delif's Cone, I mean.
So, I believe I may very well have the world's oldest split card.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
KILLAR COMBOS
Okay, combos are everywhere. Ever since things shifted into high-gear with the legendary Prosperous Bloom deck, people have always been searching for combos to throw together and use in their decks. Me writing about them is nothing new - MagicDeckVortex even has an entire section where combos are posted and have viable decks built around them.
What sets the combos I am giving you today apart, however, is that they are totally awesome.
Until now, combos have been lame. Even lamer than the regulated use of the term "battlefield." Wizards has been lying to you. These combos... are truly the combos of legend.
Nature's Revolt & Earthlink: Set off a chain of events that will make Mousetrap look like kids' stuff! Clear the board of almost every permanent under your control! Convince your opponent you're criminally insane! Get a way to sac your best land (say, with Zuran Orb,) which is considered a creature thanks to the Revolt, and then be forced to sacrifice another now-living land to Earthlink. REPEAT UNTIL YOU ARE CARDLESS.
Ali from Cairo & Lich: Ali and his fish-smelling moustache prevent you from going under one life and Lich brings you to zero life when it comes into play. What happens when you bring them into play together? Global Armageddon! Exploding house pets! The moon splitting in half like in "Thundarr the Barbarian"! Go ahead, try it.
Cocoon & Blistering Firecat: Cocoon never really got its due. Why, pair it up with the Firecat, and you have a fierce 8/2 creature with flying and trample! Utterly fantastic - nothing can stand up to something like that! Shivan Dragon? Toast. Serra Angel? Toast. How about Baron Sengir, undead lord of darkness? Toast. Just ignore the fact that kitty will wither and die in the cocoon three turns before you can use it and pow, killer combo.
Firebreathing & Shivan Dragon: Frusturate everyone in the game by making plays that don't make sense! Slap a creature enchantment on a creature that already has the ability the enchantment gives and let the fun times roll! When friends try to explain why what you're doing is stupid, just look at 'em sideways, smile knowingly and say "Nooo... I don't think so." Watch as one-time friends turn a weird purple in frusturation.
Stay tuned for a decklist for the dreaded Flight / Storm Crow deck.
Helm of Awakening & Ornithopter: Break into the negative zone! Combine the Ornithopter's converted mana cost of 0 with the Helm's widescale -1 to mana costs to plunge into the realm of mystery. Is its converted mana cost -1? Do you get one colourless mana when you play it? Does it take only three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? The world will never know.
Burning Wish & Burning Wish: It's the infinity loop! Firstly, you'll need to make infinite mana - nothing too hard these days (I'm looking at you, Mirrodin block!) Now, cast the Wish to go in search of... another Burning Wish! Since it's still your main phase, play this one too, getting another Burning Wish! But don't stop now - keep playing Wishes to bring in more Wishes! If your opponent never gets to go again, you can't lose!
For that extra touch of style, try it using Ring of Ma'ruf.
Dark Ritual & Black Lotus & Demonic Hordes: First-turn mayhem! Drop a swamp, cast Dark Ritual, sacrifice the Lotus and pow, the Demonic Hordes are yours! Think of the possibilities: you'll never own another land that game... ever! The Hordes'll never be untapped to attack! They'll never be untapped to block! Guaranteed first-turn "lock" win... for your opponent.
Time Warp & Fork: Shatter the fifth dimension! Here's how: When your opponent casts Time Warp ("Take an extra turn after this one"), Fork it. He takes a turn after his current one, but your instant on the stack means you take a turn after the one he's on, so he takes his turn after you take your Forked one after his... Einstein was right! Einstein was right!!!
Planar Void & Enduring Renewal: "Gee, a combo using Enduring Renewal. How novel." Hey, the Void says that creatures that die are removed from the game, while Enduring Renewal says they're returned to your hand. See? Time and space cease to matter and the game ends in a draw.
Argothian Enchantress & Presence of the Master: Become your own worst enemy! Stop yourself in your tracks! Guarantee your loss! Simply play a deck heavy with enchantments, hurry out the Enchantress so you can draw plenty of cards, then clamp down a Presence and go right through the windshield as you come to a complete stop! (Shoulda worn your seat belt.) Great fun.
Naked Singularity & Reality Twist & Illusionary Terrain: Wizards of the Coast flickers and fades from this plane of reality! The DCI questions its belief in a higher power! Richard Garfield's head explodes! Bring all three of these mana-screwers into play at once and see if your opponent doesn't go all glassy and soil his pants.
Mox Ruby (etc.) & Titania's Song: Speed, speed, speed! Use artifact lands alongide fast mana like Moxes and Jeweled Amulets to pull out a high-casting-cost card like Titania's Song on your first turn, turning all artifacts into creatures with power and toughness equal to their casting costs! What happens next? You get to hang around with the other kids at the tourney who lose before their second turn.
Justice & Chaoslace: Bring Justice into play, no matter what colours your opponent is running. Then as soon as he tries anything, Chaoslace him! Yeah, you heard right, Chaoslace your opponent. That way if he so much as reaches for a Wild Mongrel he's taking damage. Just make sure you're playing somebody smaller than you.
Winter's Chill & Transmute Artifact: "What kind of combo is this? The cards have nothing to do with each other!" Exactly! But look at the amount of text on these two seldom-used cards! Dear God, while your opponent's busy reading these eye-strainers, tap all his mana, flick his Blastoderm into the rafters and swipe his library. Still think this is a weak combo? Heck, throw in the dreaded Ice Cauldron, and you'll probably have enough time to bang his sister while you're at it, too.
Urza's Bauble & North Star: Attempt the impossible! Go against the will of the Gods! Defy fate! Use what may be the two worst artifacts ever to waste thin little coloured cardboard by casting the Star and the Bauble and getting your opponent to think that you're a) up to some unthinkable, daring supercombo or b) some bent institutional escapee who will kill him if he wins. Either way, the game could be yours.
And lastly, a brief card analysis I've always wanted to conduct....
Stangg: We all know that if two of the same legend come into play, they both take the dirt nap. But when Stangg enters play a Twin Stangg token soon follows. A twin!! That's gotta mean sudden death for both o' them. Somebody turn this guy's helmet sideways and push him into a snowbank.
What sets the combos I am giving you today apart, however, is that they are totally awesome.
Until now, combos have been lame. Even lamer than the regulated use of the term "battlefield." Wizards has been lying to you. These combos... are truly the combos of legend.
Nature's Revolt & Earthlink: Set off a chain of events that will make Mousetrap look like kids' stuff! Clear the board of almost every permanent under your control! Convince your opponent you're criminally insane! Get a way to sac your best land (say, with Zuran Orb,) which is considered a creature thanks to the Revolt, and then be forced to sacrifice another now-living land to Earthlink. REPEAT UNTIL YOU ARE CARDLESS.
Ali from Cairo & Lich: Ali and his fish-smelling moustache prevent you from going under one life and Lich brings you to zero life when it comes into play. What happens when you bring them into play together? Global Armageddon! Exploding house pets! The moon splitting in half like in "Thundarr the Barbarian"! Go ahead, try it.
Cocoon & Blistering Firecat: Cocoon never really got its due. Why, pair it up with the Firecat, and you have a fierce 8/2 creature with flying and trample! Utterly fantastic - nothing can stand up to something like that! Shivan Dragon? Toast. Serra Angel? Toast. How about Baron Sengir, undead lord of darkness? Toast. Just ignore the fact that kitty will wither and die in the cocoon three turns before you can use it and pow, killer combo.
Firebreathing & Shivan Dragon: Frusturate everyone in the game by making plays that don't make sense! Slap a creature enchantment on a creature that already has the ability the enchantment gives and let the fun times roll! When friends try to explain why what you're doing is stupid, just look at 'em sideways, smile knowingly and say "Nooo... I don't think so." Watch as one-time friends turn a weird purple in frusturation.
Stay tuned for a decklist for the dreaded Flight / Storm Crow deck.
Helm of Awakening & Ornithopter: Break into the negative zone! Combine the Ornithopter's converted mana cost of 0 with the Helm's widescale -1 to mana costs to plunge into the realm of mystery. Is its converted mana cost -1? Do you get one colourless mana when you play it? Does it take only three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? The world will never know.
Burning Wish & Burning Wish: It's the infinity loop! Firstly, you'll need to make infinite mana - nothing too hard these days (I'm looking at you, Mirrodin block!) Now, cast the Wish to go in search of... another Burning Wish! Since it's still your main phase, play this one too, getting another Burning Wish! But don't stop now - keep playing Wishes to bring in more Wishes! If your opponent never gets to go again, you can't lose!
For that extra touch of style, try it using Ring of Ma'ruf.
Dark Ritual & Black Lotus & Demonic Hordes: First-turn mayhem! Drop a swamp, cast Dark Ritual, sacrifice the Lotus and pow, the Demonic Hordes are yours! Think of the possibilities: you'll never own another land that game... ever! The Hordes'll never be untapped to attack! They'll never be untapped to block! Guaranteed first-turn "lock" win... for your opponent.
Time Warp & Fork: Shatter the fifth dimension! Here's how: When your opponent casts Time Warp ("Take an extra turn after this one"), Fork it. He takes a turn after his current one, but your instant on the stack means you take a turn after the one he's on, so he takes his turn after you take your Forked one after his... Einstein was right! Einstein was right!!!
Planar Void & Enduring Renewal: "Gee, a combo using Enduring Renewal. How novel." Hey, the Void says that creatures that die are removed from the game, while Enduring Renewal says they're returned to your hand. See? Time and space cease to matter and the game ends in a draw.
Argothian Enchantress & Presence of the Master: Become your own worst enemy! Stop yourself in your tracks! Guarantee your loss! Simply play a deck heavy with enchantments, hurry out the Enchantress so you can draw plenty of cards, then clamp down a Presence and go right through the windshield as you come to a complete stop! (Shoulda worn your seat belt.) Great fun.
Naked Singularity & Reality Twist & Illusionary Terrain: Wizards of the Coast flickers and fades from this plane of reality! The DCI questions its belief in a higher power! Richard Garfield's head explodes! Bring all three of these mana-screwers into play at once and see if your opponent doesn't go all glassy and soil his pants.
Mox Ruby (etc.) & Titania's Song: Speed, speed, speed! Use artifact lands alongide fast mana like Moxes and Jeweled Amulets to pull out a high-casting-cost card like Titania's Song on your first turn, turning all artifacts into creatures with power and toughness equal to their casting costs! What happens next? You get to hang around with the other kids at the tourney who lose before their second turn.
Justice & Chaoslace: Bring Justice into play, no matter what colours your opponent is running. Then as soon as he tries anything, Chaoslace him! Yeah, you heard right, Chaoslace your opponent. That way if he so much as reaches for a Wild Mongrel he's taking damage. Just make sure you're playing somebody smaller than you.
Winter's Chill & Transmute Artifact: "What kind of combo is this? The cards have nothing to do with each other!" Exactly! But look at the amount of text on these two seldom-used cards! Dear God, while your opponent's busy reading these eye-strainers, tap all his mana, flick his Blastoderm into the rafters and swipe his library. Still think this is a weak combo? Heck, throw in the dreaded Ice Cauldron, and you'll probably have enough time to bang his sister while you're at it, too.
Urza's Bauble & North Star: Attempt the impossible! Go against the will of the Gods! Defy fate! Use what may be the two worst artifacts ever to waste thin little coloured cardboard by casting the Star and the Bauble and getting your opponent to think that you're a) up to some unthinkable, daring supercombo or b) some bent institutional escapee who will kill him if he wins. Either way, the game could be yours.
And lastly, a brief card analysis I've always wanted to conduct....
Stangg: We all know that if two of the same legend come into play, they both take the dirt nap. But when Stangg enters play a Twin Stangg token soon follows. A twin!! That's gotta mean sudden death for both o' them. Somebody turn this guy's helmet sideways and push him into a snowbank.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Geriatric Jamboree
Boy, they sure don't make 'em like they used to - Magic decks, that is. For all youse who thought that Magic was just a kids' game, here's the deck that breaks the generation gap, as well as a few legs. You've got the wise Elder Druid, the venerable abbot Hazduhr, and even your good ol' Uncle Istvan.
While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.
Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.
The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"
Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients
Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)
Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)
Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)
Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)
While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.
Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.
The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"
Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients
Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)
Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)
Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)
Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Magic card names taken way out of context
I don't have any unique or creative insights today. So, I will subject you all to juvenile humour, instead.
Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.
Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.
Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.
Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?
Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?
Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?
Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.
Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....
Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.
All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....
Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.
Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.
Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.
Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?
Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?
Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?
Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.
Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....
Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.
All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Der Lame Name Game
Whoever names the blue Magic cards at Wizards of the Coast should be banned.
I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.
Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.
Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.
Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.
Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.
There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.
I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.
Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.
I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.
Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.
Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.
Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.
Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.
There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.
I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.
Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Heavy Medal
Gold - it's not just for roleplaying games and fake teeth. These past two weeks, it has been for Olympic Medals.
Typically I ignore the Olympics, because a) Sports are boring; b) the certifiably evil Olympic Commitee made the Legend of the 5 Rings CCG change its card backs; and c) they removed Foosball and Long Distance Dice-Spitting from the event roster. Nonetheless, it was kind of neat that Canada recieved the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics this year of any country in history. That's not what we're here about, however. No, I am giving the Olympics another chance based on one simple reason: Dominaria has finally qualified to compete. All your favourite Magic characters will be going all-out in an attempt to gain pride for their whacked-out world.
"If I can just control the ball and score a lot, I'll take the big one," said Ertai, wizard adept, who along with his deceased buddy, Gerrard "the Nard" Capashen, will be doing the two-man luge. Also look for Hannah and Squee in the pairs figure skating competition. You haven't really seen ice skating until you've seen a goblin doing a triple-axle to the beat of ABBA's "Mama Mia."
Goblins definetley got game - and no, I don't mean crapmeister Goblin Game. Look for the Goblin Rock Sled in the bobsled event, Goblin Ski Patrol in the ski jumping events and the Goblin Snowman on "The Man Show."
Dominaria wants a medal so badly, they're entering more genetically engineered ringers than Russia, China, and East Germany combined. They have a Hired Giant in the giant slalom, Vesuvan Doppleganger in the biathlon, Cateran Enforcer cross-country skiing, Ski-zzik downhill skiing; and more Cloudskates than you can shake a Counterspell at.
It'll be fun to watch, but my guess is that Team Dominaria will be banned from future Olympics faster than Memory Jar. Let's face it, the summer games would be wrecked by the likes of the Centaur Chieftain in the 50-yard dash, Anurid Brushopper in the long jump and Karn in the shotput. No man alive has more experience palming metal balls than Karn. It would be downright unfair.
Nonetheless, I can't wait for the next Winter Olympics. Four years from now, when I'm the guy in the front row with a "Go Licids" sign and my face painted with the colours of the coalition, I will finally command the respect of cardfloppers and dicechuckers as well as jocks the world over.
Typically I ignore the Olympics, because a) Sports are boring; b) the certifiably evil Olympic Commitee made the Legend of the 5 Rings CCG change its card backs; and c) they removed Foosball and Long Distance Dice-Spitting from the event roster. Nonetheless, it was kind of neat that Canada recieved the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics this year of any country in history. That's not what we're here about, however. No, I am giving the Olympics another chance based on one simple reason: Dominaria has finally qualified to compete. All your favourite Magic characters will be going all-out in an attempt to gain pride for their whacked-out world.
"If I can just control the ball and score a lot, I'll take the big one," said Ertai, wizard adept, who along with his deceased buddy, Gerrard "the Nard" Capashen, will be doing the two-man luge. Also look for Hannah and Squee in the pairs figure skating competition. You haven't really seen ice skating until you've seen a goblin doing a triple-axle to the beat of ABBA's "Mama Mia."
Goblins definetley got game - and no, I don't mean crapmeister Goblin Game. Look for the Goblin Rock Sled in the bobsled event, Goblin Ski Patrol in the ski jumping events and the Goblin Snowman on "The Man Show."
Dominaria wants a medal so badly, they're entering more genetically engineered ringers than Russia, China, and East Germany combined. They have a Hired Giant in the giant slalom, Vesuvan Doppleganger in the biathlon, Cateran Enforcer cross-country skiing, Ski-zzik downhill skiing; and more Cloudskates than you can shake a Counterspell at.
It'll be fun to watch, but my guess is that Team Dominaria will be banned from future Olympics faster than Memory Jar. Let's face it, the summer games would be wrecked by the likes of the Centaur Chieftain in the 50-yard dash, Anurid Brushopper in the long jump and Karn in the shotput. No man alive has more experience palming metal balls than Karn. It would be downright unfair.
Nonetheless, I can't wait for the next Winter Olympics. Four years from now, when I'm the guy in the front row with a "Go Licids" sign and my face painted with the colours of the coalition, I will finally command the respect of cardfloppers and dicechuckers as well as jocks the world over.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
PLOT DESCENT IN ZERLONGS PER MINUTE
The malarkey started with Zendikar.
It was only so much rubbish, as recent sets are won't to do. Fulla creatures n' stuff. Wizards pushing the boundaries for what would be a balanced creature. No usable counterspells in sight. Littered with "Look at me I am 8 years old and I can playing a Magic" cards (AKA Johnny Cards.) Keep in mind I'm saying this all as an aggro player, too.
Now Worldwake. More of the same, only now it's personal. You know that Abyssal Persecutor card? The one that's $26 dollars and wins games? I designed it years ago. It was a little different... I decided 1BB for a 5/5 with the "You can't win and your opponent can't lose" clause was neaty-keen... and you could also pay 3BB to sacrifice it. So it had an escape hatch. The Persecutor is marginally different, yes, but in essence it is the same. (Keep in mind I came up with this back when Wizards was conjuring up such winners as Torpid Moloch and Zephyr Spirit.) Pulse Tracker, too! I designed him about a year ago! Granted, it's about as exciting as Defiant Elf when you get right down to it, but it all just goes to show what Worldwake had to resort to.
But I digress. As I write this, the next set is much-anticipated and speculated about. Called Rise of the Eldrazi, it deals with these nasty Eldrazi blokes showing up from a Cthulhu-esque slumber and basically screwing with everything. After all, it was foreshadowed by Eldrazi Monument, and even more so by Eye of Ugin. Or so people guess.
What is my prediction for the set?
THERE WILL BE NO ELDRAZI CARDS TO SPEAK OF. None. Not one. Eye of Ugin will be even worse than Steamflogger Boss. All the hype will have been one big joke, and Wizards will laugh themselves sick over stupid Zendikar-sympathists who loaded up on the Eye of Ugin in anticipation of it being broken wide open.
Better yet, there WILL be Eldrazi cards, but anyone who has one will be desperate to trade it away for a Wood Elemental or Sorrow's Path. THEY WILL BE TERRIBLE! Seven mana for a 2/1 who can't attack, and deals damage equal to the number of cards in each player's library to you each phase. HA.
IT IS TRUE.
I HAVE DECIDED.
It was only so much rubbish, as recent sets are won't to do. Fulla creatures n' stuff. Wizards pushing the boundaries for what would be a balanced creature. No usable counterspells in sight. Littered with "Look at me I am 8 years old and I can playing a Magic" cards (AKA Johnny Cards.) Keep in mind I'm saying this all as an aggro player, too.
Now Worldwake. More of the same, only now it's personal. You know that Abyssal Persecutor card? The one that's $26 dollars and wins games? I designed it years ago. It was a little different... I decided 1BB for a 5/5 with the "You can't win and your opponent can't lose" clause was neaty-keen... and you could also pay 3BB to sacrifice it. So it had an escape hatch. The Persecutor is marginally different, yes, but in essence it is the same. (Keep in mind I came up with this back when Wizards was conjuring up such winners as Torpid Moloch and Zephyr Spirit.) Pulse Tracker, too! I designed him about a year ago! Granted, it's about as exciting as Defiant Elf when you get right down to it, but it all just goes to show what Worldwake had to resort to.
But I digress. As I write this, the next set is much-anticipated and speculated about. Called Rise of the Eldrazi, it deals with these nasty Eldrazi blokes showing up from a Cthulhu-esque slumber and basically screwing with everything. After all, it was foreshadowed by Eldrazi Monument, and even more so by Eye of Ugin. Or so people guess.
What is my prediction for the set?
THERE WILL BE NO ELDRAZI CARDS TO SPEAK OF. None. Not one. Eye of Ugin will be even worse than Steamflogger Boss. All the hype will have been one big joke, and Wizards will laugh themselves sick over stupid Zendikar-sympathists who loaded up on the Eye of Ugin in anticipation of it being broken wide open.
Better yet, there WILL be Eldrazi cards, but anyone who has one will be desperate to trade it away for a Wood Elemental or Sorrow's Path. THEY WILL BE TERRIBLE! Seven mana for a 2/1 who can't attack, and deals damage equal to the number of cards in each player's library to you each phase. HA.
IT IS TRUE.
I HAVE DECIDED.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Oh god what is this and what am I doing.
Yes. A blog. I never thought... I would get around to it.
...
Why, you ask?
To quote The Cranberries: "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we?" Er... why can't me. Yes, that's it. The irrational desire to conform to self-proclaimed noncomfomists pounding out inane complaints on the Interwebs.
More to follow.
...
Why, you ask?
To quote The Cranberries: "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we?" Er... why can't me. Yes, that's it. The irrational desire to conform to self-proclaimed noncomfomists pounding out inane complaints on the Interwebs.
More to follow.
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