Tourney scene too rough? Sick of losing all the time? Of course you are. After all, you do lose all the time. I can tell. I smell it from here. Anyways, here are five sure-fire techniques for turning humiliating defeat into glorious victory. Simply follow the simple step-by-step directions and the fame, moolah and chicks will all be yours.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Rags to Liches
Trash rares. Every set has 'em, and the odds are you're gonna crack one or two while trying to score a hot rare foil. It doesn't have to be that way, though. No, I'm not advocating ripping packs open before making you gaming shop purchases. Instead, why not turn garbage into gold? With a little ingenuity, any card - alright, goblin game excepted - can be turned into a theme deck gem.
Today's lesson: Nefarious Lich Lockdown.
Let's get the obvious out of the way: 99.9% of the time, Nefarious Lich blows. In a way, though, that makes it a useful card. For one, you'll never have trouble trading for one or four. More importantly, when you break it, you'll look like a friggin' genius. So how exactly does one go about doing this?
In order to break this seldom-used enchantment, you'll need both a surefire way to gain life and a productive means by which cards could be pitched. Enter Confessor and Zombie Infestation. Suddenly, for every two cards discarded, you gain two life. However, with the Lich in play, you would draw two cards instead. Chuck those to the infestation, create another 2/2 creature token, draw two cards, wash, rinse, repeat.
The Lich and the Infestation are black; Confessor is white. We're done choosing colours, right? Not so fast, killer. Let's not forget that should the Nefarious Lich leave play, even due to a bounce spell, you lose. Don't leave home without a splash of green for Tranquil Grove. Furthermore, this gives you access to an alternate win mechanism in Wild Mongrel. The broken hound serves two purposes here. First, it allows the deck to come out fast with teeth bared. Secondly, in the event you can't get an Infestation into the mix, the dog provides you another means to which you can cycle cards. Use black elimination to clear the path and let the dog swing for the fences.
Four copies each of Diabolic Edict and Ghastly Demise, plus three Innocent Bloods, clear out threats while you set up. Four Tutors let you fetch the Lich, as do your Sterling Groves if the situation is dire. Try to keep a Grove in play to protect you at all costs, though.
Lastly, the deck runs Life Burst. In the early game, it provides a shot in the arm to buy time to set up. It also lets you play the Lich in a pinch, netting a potential 16 cards for two mana. That oughta find the creature-kill you need, or the Confessor and Zombie Infestation needed to set up the kill mechanism.
The Deck
Black
4 Diabolic Edict
4 Diabolic Tutor
4 Ghastly Demise
3 Innocent Blood
2 Nefarious Lich
4 Zombie Infestation
Gold
3 Sterling Grove
Green
4 Wild Mongrel
White
4 Confessor
4 Life Burst
Lands
3 Forest
3 Krosan Verge
3 Plains
11 Swamp
2 Tainted Field
2 Tainted Wood
There are a few other options you can run. Echoing Courage can serve as insurance, but you should be able to spawn enough tokens to flood your opponent in one or two attacks. The confessor serves as a keystone in the deck, so a form of protecting him can be paramount; Floating Shield isn't a bad idea. Running Greater Auramancy instead of the Grove can let you stick to only two colours, smoothing out the deck. Lastly, if you have money, bombs like Damnation and Vindicate can tighten the deck up, and fetch lands can ease out the mana curve further. As is, however, the deck should work better than you'd expect.
The most fun decks to play are ones where your opponent laughs when you play a "rotten" card, then watches helplessly as that crapmeister causes their death. Sure, I wouldn't recommend whipping this bad boy out at a Vintage tourney, but heck, for sheer fun value, I'd rather play Nefarious Lich than Donate or Affinity any day.
As a parting note, try the Nefarious Lich with Words of Worship. Just for fun.
Today's lesson: Nefarious Lich Lockdown.
Let's get the obvious out of the way: 99.9% of the time, Nefarious Lich blows. In a way, though, that makes it a useful card. For one, you'll never have trouble trading for one or four. More importantly, when you break it, you'll look like a friggin' genius. So how exactly does one go about doing this?
In order to break this seldom-used enchantment, you'll need both a surefire way to gain life and a productive means by which cards could be pitched. Enter Confessor and Zombie Infestation. Suddenly, for every two cards discarded, you gain two life. However, with the Lich in play, you would draw two cards instead. Chuck those to the infestation, create another 2/2 creature token, draw two cards, wash, rinse, repeat.
The Lich and the Infestation are black; Confessor is white. We're done choosing colours, right? Not so fast, killer. Let's not forget that should the Nefarious Lich leave play, even due to a bounce spell, you lose. Don't leave home without a splash of green for Tranquil Grove. Furthermore, this gives you access to an alternate win mechanism in Wild Mongrel. The broken hound serves two purposes here. First, it allows the deck to come out fast with teeth bared. Secondly, in the event you can't get an Infestation into the mix, the dog provides you another means to which you can cycle cards. Use black elimination to clear the path and let the dog swing for the fences.
Four copies each of Diabolic Edict and Ghastly Demise, plus three Innocent Bloods, clear out threats while you set up. Four Tutors let you fetch the Lich, as do your Sterling Groves if the situation is dire. Try to keep a Grove in play to protect you at all costs, though.
Lastly, the deck runs Life Burst. In the early game, it provides a shot in the arm to buy time to set up. It also lets you play the Lich in a pinch, netting a potential 16 cards for two mana. That oughta find the creature-kill you need, or the Confessor and Zombie Infestation needed to set up the kill mechanism.
The Deck
Black
4 Diabolic Edict
4 Diabolic Tutor
4 Ghastly Demise
3 Innocent Blood
2 Nefarious Lich
4 Zombie Infestation
Gold
3 Sterling Grove
Green
4 Wild Mongrel
White
4 Confessor
4 Life Burst
Lands
3 Forest
3 Krosan Verge
3 Plains
11 Swamp
2 Tainted Field
2 Tainted Wood
There are a few other options you can run. Echoing Courage can serve as insurance, but you should be able to spawn enough tokens to flood your opponent in one or two attacks. The confessor serves as a keystone in the deck, so a form of protecting him can be paramount; Floating Shield isn't a bad idea. Running Greater Auramancy instead of the Grove can let you stick to only two colours, smoothing out the deck. Lastly, if you have money, bombs like Damnation and Vindicate can tighten the deck up, and fetch lands can ease out the mana curve further. As is, however, the deck should work better than you'd expect.
The most fun decks to play are ones where your opponent laughs when you play a "rotten" card, then watches helplessly as that crapmeister causes their death. Sure, I wouldn't recommend whipping this bad boy out at a Vintage tourney, but heck, for sheer fun value, I'd rather play Nefarious Lich than Donate or Affinity any day.
As a parting note, try the Nefarious Lich with Words of Worship. Just for fun.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Goblin Kites
A few weeks ago, I was rifling through the 10-cent bin at my local cardstore. While diligently looking for oh, I don't know, something else, I found a Goblin Kites.
But it wasn't just any Goblin Kites.
...SERIOUSLY?!
That is the single worst cutting job I have ever seen on a card. Whomever is responsible must have done so with a hacksaw, the handle gripped not-so-expertly between his buttocks. Seriously... I've seen cards with uneven borders, but never one with a border completely missing! But wait, look closely... is that? Yes. You can see a tiny fragment of a green card spilling onto the top of the Goblin Kites. How lovely. Ah, it's just as well - what good did green give us in Fallen Empires? In fact, what good did Fallen Empires give us at all? Asides from the game-breaker that is Delif's Cone, I mean.
So, I believe I may very well have the world's oldest split card.
But it wasn't just any Goblin Kites.
...SERIOUSLY?!
That is the single worst cutting job I have ever seen on a card. Whomever is responsible must have done so with a hacksaw, the handle gripped not-so-expertly between his buttocks. Seriously... I've seen cards with uneven borders, but never one with a border completely missing! But wait, look closely... is that? Yes. You can see a tiny fragment of a green card spilling onto the top of the Goblin Kites. How lovely. Ah, it's just as well - what good did green give us in Fallen Empires? In fact, what good did Fallen Empires give us at all? Asides from the game-breaker that is Delif's Cone, I mean.
So, I believe I may very well have the world's oldest split card.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
KILLAR COMBOS
Okay, combos are everywhere. Ever since things shifted into high-gear with the legendary Prosperous Bloom deck, people have always been searching for combos to throw together and use in their decks. Me writing about them is nothing new - MagicDeckVortex even has an entire section where combos are posted and have viable decks built around them.
What sets the combos I am giving you today apart, however, is that they are totally awesome.
Until now, combos have been lame. Even lamer than the regulated use of the term "battlefield." Wizards has been lying to you. These combos... are truly the combos of legend.
Nature's Revolt & Earthlink: Set off a chain of events that will make Mousetrap look like kids' stuff! Clear the board of almost every permanent under your control! Convince your opponent you're criminally insane! Get a way to sac your best land (say, with Zuran Orb,) which is considered a creature thanks to the Revolt, and then be forced to sacrifice another now-living land to Earthlink. REPEAT UNTIL YOU ARE CARDLESS.
Ali from Cairo & Lich: Ali and his fish-smelling moustache prevent you from going under one life and Lich brings you to zero life when it comes into play. What happens when you bring them into play together? Global Armageddon! Exploding house pets! The moon splitting in half like in "Thundarr the Barbarian"! Go ahead, try it.
Cocoon & Blistering Firecat: Cocoon never really got its due. Why, pair it up with the Firecat, and you have a fierce 8/2 creature with flying and trample! Utterly fantastic - nothing can stand up to something like that! Shivan Dragon? Toast. Serra Angel? Toast. How about Baron Sengir, undead lord of darkness? Toast. Just ignore the fact that kitty will wither and die in the cocoon three turns before you can use it and pow, killer combo.
Firebreathing & Shivan Dragon: Frusturate everyone in the game by making plays that don't make sense! Slap a creature enchantment on a creature that already has the ability the enchantment gives and let the fun times roll! When friends try to explain why what you're doing is stupid, just look at 'em sideways, smile knowingly and say "Nooo... I don't think so." Watch as one-time friends turn a weird purple in frusturation.
Stay tuned for a decklist for the dreaded Flight / Storm Crow deck.
Helm of Awakening & Ornithopter: Break into the negative zone! Combine the Ornithopter's converted mana cost of 0 with the Helm's widescale -1 to mana costs to plunge into the realm of mystery. Is its converted mana cost -1? Do you get one colourless mana when you play it? Does it take only three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? The world will never know.
Burning Wish & Burning Wish: It's the infinity loop! Firstly, you'll need to make infinite mana - nothing too hard these days (I'm looking at you, Mirrodin block!) Now, cast the Wish to go in search of... another Burning Wish! Since it's still your main phase, play this one too, getting another Burning Wish! But don't stop now - keep playing Wishes to bring in more Wishes! If your opponent never gets to go again, you can't lose!
For that extra touch of style, try it using Ring of Ma'ruf.
Dark Ritual & Black Lotus & Demonic Hordes: First-turn mayhem! Drop a swamp, cast Dark Ritual, sacrifice the Lotus and pow, the Demonic Hordes are yours! Think of the possibilities: you'll never own another land that game... ever! The Hordes'll never be untapped to attack! They'll never be untapped to block! Guaranteed first-turn "lock" win... for your opponent.
Time Warp & Fork: Shatter the fifth dimension! Here's how: When your opponent casts Time Warp ("Take an extra turn after this one"), Fork it. He takes a turn after his current one, but your instant on the stack means you take a turn after the one he's on, so he takes his turn after you take your Forked one after his... Einstein was right! Einstein was right!!!
Planar Void & Enduring Renewal: "Gee, a combo using Enduring Renewal. How novel." Hey, the Void says that creatures that die are removed from the game, while Enduring Renewal says they're returned to your hand. See? Time and space cease to matter and the game ends in a draw.
Argothian Enchantress & Presence of the Master: Become your own worst enemy! Stop yourself in your tracks! Guarantee your loss! Simply play a deck heavy with enchantments, hurry out the Enchantress so you can draw plenty of cards, then clamp down a Presence and go right through the windshield as you come to a complete stop! (Shoulda worn your seat belt.) Great fun.
Naked Singularity & Reality Twist & Illusionary Terrain: Wizards of the Coast flickers and fades from this plane of reality! The DCI questions its belief in a higher power! Richard Garfield's head explodes! Bring all three of these mana-screwers into play at once and see if your opponent doesn't go all glassy and soil his pants.
Mox Ruby (etc.) & Titania's Song: Speed, speed, speed! Use artifact lands alongide fast mana like Moxes and Jeweled Amulets to pull out a high-casting-cost card like Titania's Song on your first turn, turning all artifacts into creatures with power and toughness equal to their casting costs! What happens next? You get to hang around with the other kids at the tourney who lose before their second turn.
Justice & Chaoslace: Bring Justice into play, no matter what colours your opponent is running. Then as soon as he tries anything, Chaoslace him! Yeah, you heard right, Chaoslace your opponent. That way if he so much as reaches for a Wild Mongrel he's taking damage. Just make sure you're playing somebody smaller than you.
Winter's Chill & Transmute Artifact: "What kind of combo is this? The cards have nothing to do with each other!" Exactly! But look at the amount of text on these two seldom-used cards! Dear God, while your opponent's busy reading these eye-strainers, tap all his mana, flick his Blastoderm into the rafters and swipe his library. Still think this is a weak combo? Heck, throw in the dreaded Ice Cauldron, and you'll probably have enough time to bang his sister while you're at it, too.
Urza's Bauble & North Star: Attempt the impossible! Go against the will of the Gods! Defy fate! Use what may be the two worst artifacts ever to waste thin little coloured cardboard by casting the Star and the Bauble and getting your opponent to think that you're a) up to some unthinkable, daring supercombo or b) some bent institutional escapee who will kill him if he wins. Either way, the game could be yours.
And lastly, a brief card analysis I've always wanted to conduct....
Stangg: We all know that if two of the same legend come into play, they both take the dirt nap. But when Stangg enters play a Twin Stangg token soon follows. A twin!! That's gotta mean sudden death for both o' them. Somebody turn this guy's helmet sideways and push him into a snowbank.
What sets the combos I am giving you today apart, however, is that they are totally awesome.
Until now, combos have been lame. Even lamer than the regulated use of the term "battlefield." Wizards has been lying to you. These combos... are truly the combos of legend.
Nature's Revolt & Earthlink: Set off a chain of events that will make Mousetrap look like kids' stuff! Clear the board of almost every permanent under your control! Convince your opponent you're criminally insane! Get a way to sac your best land (say, with Zuran Orb,) which is considered a creature thanks to the Revolt, and then be forced to sacrifice another now-living land to Earthlink. REPEAT UNTIL YOU ARE CARDLESS.
Ali from Cairo & Lich: Ali and his fish-smelling moustache prevent you from going under one life and Lich brings you to zero life when it comes into play. What happens when you bring them into play together? Global Armageddon! Exploding house pets! The moon splitting in half like in "Thundarr the Barbarian"! Go ahead, try it.
Cocoon & Blistering Firecat: Cocoon never really got its due. Why, pair it up with the Firecat, and you have a fierce 8/2 creature with flying and trample! Utterly fantastic - nothing can stand up to something like that! Shivan Dragon? Toast. Serra Angel? Toast. How about Baron Sengir, undead lord of darkness? Toast. Just ignore the fact that kitty will wither and die in the cocoon three turns before you can use it and pow, killer combo.
Firebreathing & Shivan Dragon: Frusturate everyone in the game by making plays that don't make sense! Slap a creature enchantment on a creature that already has the ability the enchantment gives and let the fun times roll! When friends try to explain why what you're doing is stupid, just look at 'em sideways, smile knowingly and say "Nooo... I don't think so." Watch as one-time friends turn a weird purple in frusturation.
Stay tuned for a decklist for the dreaded Flight / Storm Crow deck.
Helm of Awakening & Ornithopter: Break into the negative zone! Combine the Ornithopter's converted mana cost of 0 with the Helm's widescale -1 to mana costs to plunge into the realm of mystery. Is its converted mana cost -1? Do you get one colourless mana when you play it? Does it take only three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? The world will never know.
Burning Wish & Burning Wish: It's the infinity loop! Firstly, you'll need to make infinite mana - nothing too hard these days (I'm looking at you, Mirrodin block!) Now, cast the Wish to go in search of... another Burning Wish! Since it's still your main phase, play this one too, getting another Burning Wish! But don't stop now - keep playing Wishes to bring in more Wishes! If your opponent never gets to go again, you can't lose!
For that extra touch of style, try it using Ring of Ma'ruf.
Dark Ritual & Black Lotus & Demonic Hordes: First-turn mayhem! Drop a swamp, cast Dark Ritual, sacrifice the Lotus and pow, the Demonic Hordes are yours! Think of the possibilities: you'll never own another land that game... ever! The Hordes'll never be untapped to attack! They'll never be untapped to block! Guaranteed first-turn "lock" win... for your opponent.
Time Warp & Fork: Shatter the fifth dimension! Here's how: When your opponent casts Time Warp ("Take an extra turn after this one"), Fork it. He takes a turn after his current one, but your instant on the stack means you take a turn after the one he's on, so he takes his turn after you take your Forked one after his... Einstein was right! Einstein was right!!!
Planar Void & Enduring Renewal: "Gee, a combo using Enduring Renewal. How novel." Hey, the Void says that creatures that die are removed from the game, while Enduring Renewal says they're returned to your hand. See? Time and space cease to matter and the game ends in a draw.
Argothian Enchantress & Presence of the Master: Become your own worst enemy! Stop yourself in your tracks! Guarantee your loss! Simply play a deck heavy with enchantments, hurry out the Enchantress so you can draw plenty of cards, then clamp down a Presence and go right through the windshield as you come to a complete stop! (Shoulda worn your seat belt.) Great fun.
Naked Singularity & Reality Twist & Illusionary Terrain: Wizards of the Coast flickers and fades from this plane of reality! The DCI questions its belief in a higher power! Richard Garfield's head explodes! Bring all three of these mana-screwers into play at once and see if your opponent doesn't go all glassy and soil his pants.
Mox Ruby (etc.) & Titania's Song: Speed, speed, speed! Use artifact lands alongide fast mana like Moxes and Jeweled Amulets to pull out a high-casting-cost card like Titania's Song on your first turn, turning all artifacts into creatures with power and toughness equal to their casting costs! What happens next? You get to hang around with the other kids at the tourney who lose before their second turn.
Justice & Chaoslace: Bring Justice into play, no matter what colours your opponent is running. Then as soon as he tries anything, Chaoslace him! Yeah, you heard right, Chaoslace your opponent. That way if he so much as reaches for a Wild Mongrel he's taking damage. Just make sure you're playing somebody smaller than you.
Winter's Chill & Transmute Artifact: "What kind of combo is this? The cards have nothing to do with each other!" Exactly! But look at the amount of text on these two seldom-used cards! Dear God, while your opponent's busy reading these eye-strainers, tap all his mana, flick his Blastoderm into the rafters and swipe his library. Still think this is a weak combo? Heck, throw in the dreaded Ice Cauldron, and you'll probably have enough time to bang his sister while you're at it, too.
Urza's Bauble & North Star: Attempt the impossible! Go against the will of the Gods! Defy fate! Use what may be the two worst artifacts ever to waste thin little coloured cardboard by casting the Star and the Bauble and getting your opponent to think that you're a) up to some unthinkable, daring supercombo or b) some bent institutional escapee who will kill him if he wins. Either way, the game could be yours.
And lastly, a brief card analysis I've always wanted to conduct....
Stangg: We all know that if two of the same legend come into play, they both take the dirt nap. But when Stangg enters play a Twin Stangg token soon follows. A twin!! That's gotta mean sudden death for both o' them. Somebody turn this guy's helmet sideways and push him into a snowbank.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Geriatric Jamboree
Boy, they sure don't make 'em like they used to - Magic decks, that is. For all youse who thought that Magic was just a kids' game, here's the deck that breaks the generation gap, as well as a few legs. You've got the wise Elder Druid, the venerable abbot Hazduhr, and even your good ol' Uncle Istvan.
While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.
Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.
The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"
Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients
Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)
Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)
Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)
Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)
While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.
Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.
The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"
Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients
Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)
Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)
Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)
Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Magic card names taken way out of context
I don't have any unique or creative insights today. So, I will subject you all to juvenile humour, instead.
Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.
Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.
Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.
Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?
Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?
Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?
Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.
Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....
Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.
All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....
Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.
Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.
Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.
Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?
Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?
Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?
Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.
Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....
Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.
All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....
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