Memers of Kaladesh

Goblins of Kaladesh

It is here that we christen a new type of feature article - What a Story, Mark!, based purely off all of the nonsensical, stupid and/or contradictory things said by Magic's rotund idiot child-king, Mark Rosewater. He may forget things he said a year ago, but he'll never let you forget that he wrote for Roseanne.

Today's incredible story comes from what was probably meant to be a humorous article that Mark Rosewater wrote in 2005 about Dwarves. In particular he touches on a sore spot of his - the art for the card Goblin Scouts - which clearly he has issues with because it is at least the third time he wrote about this same little story. Hey, you start off by writing for sitcoms, you get used to writing the exact same jokes over and over again. This time he really gets into the nitty-gritty of things:

Skywhaler's Shot

 

"So just how good of a skywhaler are you?"

"Oh, I'm just about the best. Seriously. You point it out and I can shoot it down."

"Is that so? Could you shoot down a bank of mist?"

"Easy peasy."

"Oh, really? How about a tidal wave?"

"Yawn."

"Could you take out every single wasp in a swarm with just one, single harpoon?"

"With my eyes closed."

"Yeah? How about that worm floating around in a lake down there?"

"Well geez, let's not be ridiculous. Nobody can just skewer a worm with a harpoon. Don't you have any serious offers?

"Well... what about that other worm next to it? It's got some paint on it."

"Oh, pfft. Broad side of a barn. Say no more, he's a goner. By the way, I think I'm a little bit psychic."

Card in Review - Nacatl War-Pride

Top-down designs are often the most fun, but likewise it's a treacherous terrain to navigate. When a card is designed with a concept in mind first, sometimes the implications of that concept can have loose ends once it's put to print. I'm not talking about such lofty concepts as giving a bird flying or a giant better stats than a human. I mean textbox-filling nonsense that communicates a cool idea - and if that idea is easy to take advantage of or build around, so much so the better.

The Adventures of Bulbasaur

Sometimes a card tells a story. Floodgate. Orgg. Elder Cathar. Shahrazad (wait, not like that.)

But then, sometimes a card is literally telling a story.

I found this gem a year or so ago and I wish I knew more. The 33/64 in the bottom left suggests this was part of a 64-part story, as told by drawn-on Magic cards. I was only able to find one other card from the series, and it was so generic and filler that it didn't even warrant purchasing for a dime. Was this a sprawling epic about the adventures of Bulbasaur? Was he merely a bit part in the greater narrative? Will he ever find companionship in CITY? These, my friends, are questions we'll simply never know.

Alternatively, someone very purposefully made only the two pieces with the implication that they were part of a larger story, in which case well trolled, sir.

Acataleptically Meretricious Gearwarden of Marjfloop

Hoo boy. Magic is currently sitting at over 16 000 unique cards, and let me tell you... lately it really shows. How's that, you ask? Just look at the newest set, Kaladesh, and tell me they aren't scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel with card names nowadays. Effective, punchy, single-word names are in short supply after twenty-three years of printings, and we're left with entire sentences, the most tenuous synonyms left for "fiery" and made-up fantasy words that would make even George Lucas wince. Every set has had its weak names, all the way back to Alpha with Bad Moon and Dingus Egg. Except nowadays... it feels like every card has its weak names.

Card in Review - Sun Titan

M11's Titans were interesting in that they were printed to try and fill two criteria:
1. If they were killed immediately, you weren't left with nothing for your six mana.
2. You never had to choose between attacking with your fatty or using its ability.

Wizards accomplished this by giving them a solid ability that activated when they showed up as well as every time they attacked, in addition to being a 6/6 with a nice evergreen ability for safe measure. This was ultimately successful - possibly even too successful. The problem with the titans is that they overshadowed most every other 5+ drop that was available. Why bother with Vorinclex when you could have already played a Primeval Titan and pulled out six lands? Sure Balefire Dragon wipes your opponent's entire board if he connects, but by the time you play him, Inferno Titan has dealt at least 12 damage.
Each one was a strategy in a box, providing both a creature big enough to win the game as well as support to protect it/yourself or ways to deal with your opponent's threats. Most worked on autopilot - there wasn't much strategy to go with Inferno Titan other than turning it sideways each turn - but a couple required you to build around. Sure Primeval Titan's power came from pulling out combinations of overpowered lands, but even if he's just vomiting basic lands onto the board he's helping you out. The most build-around titan was neither the strongest nor the weakest, but the one I found the most interesting.