Geriatric Jamboree

Boy, they sure don't make 'em like they used to - Magic decks, that is. For all youse who thought that Magic was just a kids' game, here's the deck that breaks the generation gap, as well as a few legs. You've got the wise Elder Druid, the venerable abbot Hazduhr, and even your good ol' Uncle Istvan.

While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.

Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.

The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"

Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients

Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)

Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)

Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)

Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)

Magic card names taken way out of context

I don't have any unique or creative insights today. So, I will subject you all to juvenile humour, instead.

Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.

Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.

Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.

Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?

Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?

Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?

Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.

Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....

Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.

All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....

Der Lame Name Game

Whoever names the blue Magic cards at Wizards of the Coast should be banned.

I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.

Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.

Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.

Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.

Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.

There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.

I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.

Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.

Heavy Medal

Gold - it's not just for roleplaying games and fake teeth. These past two weeks, it has been for Olympic Medals.

Typically I ignore the Olympics, because a) Sports are boring; b) the certifiably evil Olympic Commitee made the Legend of the 5 Rings CCG change its card backs; and c) they removed Foosball and Long Distance Dice-Spitting from the event roster. Nonetheless, it was kind of neat that Canada recieved the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics this year of any country in history. That's not what we're here about, however. No, I am giving the Olympics another chance based on one simple reason: Dominaria has finally qualified to compete. All your favourite Magic characters will be going all-out in an attempt to gain pride for their whacked-out world.

"If I can just control the ball and score a lot, I'll take the big one," said Ertai, wizard adept, who along with his deceased buddy, Gerrard "the Nard" Capashen, will be doing the two-man luge. Also look for Hannah and Squee in the pairs figure skating competition. You haven't really seen ice skating until you've seen a goblin doing a triple-axle to the beat of ABBA's "Mama Mia."

Goblins definetley got game - and no, I don't mean crapmeister Goblin Game. Look for the Goblin Rock Sled in the bobsled event, Goblin Ski Patrol in the ski jumping events and the Goblin Snowman on "The Man Show."

Dominaria wants a medal so badly, they're entering more genetically engineered ringers than Russia, China, and East Germany combined. They have a Hired Giant in the giant slalom, Vesuvan Doppleganger in the biathlon, Cateran Enforcer cross-country skiing, Ski-zzik downhill skiing; and more Cloudskates than you can shake a Counterspell at.

It'll be fun to watch, but my guess is that Team Dominaria will be banned from future Olympics faster than Memory Jar. Let's face it, the summer games would be wrecked by the likes of the Centaur Chieftain in the 50-yard dash, Anurid Brushopper in the long jump and Karn in the shotput. No man alive has more experience palming metal balls than Karn. It would be downright unfair.

Nonetheless, I can't wait for the next Winter Olympics. Four years from now, when I'm the guy in the front row with a "Go Licids" sign and my face painted with the colours of the coalition, I will finally command the respect of cardfloppers and dicechuckers as well as jocks the world over.

PLOT DESCENT IN ZERLONGS PER MINUTE

The malarkey started with Zendikar.

It was only so much rubbish, as recent sets are won't to do. Fulla creatures n' stuff. Wizards pushing the boundaries for what would be a balanced creature. No usable counterspells in sight. Littered with "Look at me I am 8 years old and I can playing a Magic" cards (AKA Johnny Cards.) Keep in mind I'm saying this all as an aggro player, too.

Now Worldwake. More of the same, only now it's personal. You know that Abyssal Persecutor card? The one that's $26 dollars and wins games? I designed it years ago. It was a little different... I decided 1BB for a 5/5 with the "You can't win and your opponent can't lose" clause was neaty-keen... and you could also pay 3BB to sacrifice it. So it had an escape hatch. The Persecutor is marginally different, yes, but in essence it is the same. (Keep in mind I came up with this back when Wizards was conjuring up such winners as Torpid Moloch and Zephyr Spirit.) Pulse Tracker, too! I designed him about a year ago! Granted, it's about as exciting as Defiant Elf when you get right down to it, but it all just goes to show what Worldwake had to resort to.

But I digress. As I write this, the next set is much-anticipated and speculated about. Called Rise of the Eldrazi, it deals with these nasty Eldrazi blokes showing up from a Cthulhu-esque slumber and basically screwing with everything. After all, it was foreshadowed by Eldrazi Monument, and even more so by Eye of Ugin. Or so people guess.

What is my prediction for the set?

THERE WILL BE NO ELDRAZI CARDS TO SPEAK OF. None. Not one. Eye of Ugin will be even worse than Steamflogger Boss. All the hype will have been one big joke, and Wizards will laugh themselves sick over stupid Zendikar-sympathists who loaded up on the Eye of Ugin in anticipation of it being broken wide open.

Better yet, there WILL be Eldrazi cards, but anyone who has one will be desperate to trade it away for a Wood Elemental or Sorrow's Path. THEY WILL BE TERRIBLE! Seven mana for a 2/1 who can't attack, and deals damage equal to the number of cards in each player's library to you each phase. HA.

IT IS TRUE.

I HAVE DECIDED.

Oh god what is this and what am I doing.

Yes. A blog. I never thought... I would get around to it.

...

Why, you ask?

To quote The Cranberries: "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we?" Er... why can't me. Yes, that's it. The irrational desire to conform to self-proclaimed noncomfomists pounding out inane complaints on the Interwebs.

More to follow.

How to Become a Millionaire in Three Easy Steps

After the great TCG Rush of '94, the Fairly Impressive TCG Boom of '95, the Not-Quite-as-Inspired TCG Surge of '96, and the Lean Season of '97-'98, 1999 saw the launch of several new games - from Tomb Raider to Young Jedi and even some game called Pokemon. I think it's French.
Anyways, things have seemed pretty quiet since then. But no doubt that you, too, will soon want to enter the thriving TCG Market with a game of your own. But hey, it's a cruel world, kid - especially, let's face it, for someone like you - so don't waste your time furrowing your simian brow trying to come up with an original idea. Ain't gonna happen. Instead, use this handy TCG construction kit!

Step 1. The Mix n' Match Game Namer
No name, no game. Trust me on this, game designers always come up with the name first. To use, simply take one from column A, one from column B, and one from column C:

Pokey	Mayhem	The Bludgeoning
Jurassic	Crack	Jamboree
Propecia	Vampire	Action Theatre
Butt	Death	The Showering
Orangutan	Trooper	Deathblow
Mud	Carbuncle	Beyond Neptune
Eclectic	Monkey	The Fattening
C.H.U.D.	Foot	3000 A.D.
Flatulence	Trucker	Project
Homicidal Clown	Ranger	Kersplat!

Step 2. Gameplay Features
Every game needs "gameplay features" - little elements that set it off from the rest of the TCG pack. Too many, and only unemployed college students will play your game. Too few, and even the most rabid fanboy/girl will lose interest and go back to selling foil Pikachus on eBay. Here are some sure-fire winners to add marketing sparkle to your new TCG:
Cards. I can't stress this enough, people. Without cards, (virtual or otherwise, both of you Sanctum players) there's no game. Usually, you'll want them all to be the same size, and often they're rectangular. Eventually, you'll put stuff on the cards....
Card Art. Funny primates we are, we humans love looking at pretty pictures. Put art on your cards, or they become weird, boring little cards with, um, no art. Fear not, ye without artistic talent: the prototype for even Magic used semi-legal clipart for the card art. For your first game, you may wish to simply cut out illustrations from an old, cherished family photo album. Especially those pictures of your sister.
Rules and Card Text. Come up with some way to pit cards against each other, probably involving tapping (but don't call it that; that's patented.) Then write a bunch of rules violations. These violations will become your card text. Let's say you're feeling particularly adventurous and for your new Care Bear Battles TCG you pit your cute n' cuddly Care Bear against another cute n' cuddly Care Bear in a no-holds-barred grudge match. A veritable melee of carin' and sharin'... okay, kid - whatever you think will sell. Anyways, you play cards to decide how much damage Share Bear, for instance, will inflict upon Love-a-Lot Bear when she rips into that little pink sucker's esophagus with her claws. "Spend one point of Caring: Target Care Bear gets impaled on a big sharp stick for 25 damage" would be an example of card text.
Gimmick, License or Celebrity Spokesmodel. So Care Bear Battles is ready to go into production, but who's going to buy it? No one knows who you are. Let's face it, why should they? They've never heard of you, punk, and they probably wouldn't like you if they met you. For that matter, the last time I heard anyone mention the Care Bears was back in '97, and I'm pretty sure it was part of a shuttle Challenger joke. What if, instead of lame-ass generic Care Bear Battles, you tried to drum up support for Charles Nelson Reilly's Care Bear Battles? Stanley Kubrick presents Full Metal Care Bear Battles? Homicide: Life on the Care Bear Battles? Why, you'd be writing your own ticket, kid, that's what.

Step 3. The Golden Rule
The Great Screenwriter William Goldman once wrote that the golden rule of Hollywood is:
"Nobody knows ANYTHING." 

Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that the Golden Rule of card games could well be:
"Nobody's ever happy." 

The more people complain, the happier they really are. Trust me on this. It's all in design.