KILLAR COMBOS

Okay, combos are everywhere. Ever since things shifted into high-gear with the legendary Prosperous Bloom deck, people have always been searching for combos to throw together and use in their decks. Me writing about them is nothing new - MagicDeckVortex even has an entire section where combos are posted and have viable decks built around them.

What sets the combos I am giving you today apart, however, is that they are totally awesome.

Until now, combos have been lame. Even lamer than the regulated use of the term "battlefield." Wizards has been lying to you. These combos... are truly the combos of legend.

Nature's Revolt & Earthlink: Set off a chain of events that will make Mousetrap look like kids' stuff! Clear the board of almost every permanent under your control! Convince your opponent you're criminally insane! Get a way to sac your best land (say, with Zuran Orb,) which is considered a creature thanks to the Revolt, and then be forced to sacrifice another now-living land to Earthlink. REPEAT UNTIL YOU ARE CARDLESS.

Ali from Cairo & Lich: Ali and his fish-smelling moustache prevent you from going under one life and Lich brings you to zero life when it comes into play. What happens when you bring them into play together? Global Armageddon! Exploding house pets! The moon splitting in half like in "Thundarr the Barbarian"! Go ahead, try it.

Cocoon & Blistering Firecat: Cocoon never really got its due. Why, pair it up with the Firecat, and you have a fierce 8/2 creature with flying and trample! Utterly fantastic - nothing can stand up to something like that! Shivan Dragon? Toast. Serra Angel? Toast. How about Baron Sengir, undead lord of darkness? Toast. Just ignore the fact that kitty will wither and die in the cocoon three turns before you can use it and pow, killer combo.

Firebreathing & Shivan Dragon: Frusturate everyone in the game by making plays that don't make sense! Slap a creature enchantment on a creature that already has the ability the enchantment gives and let the fun times roll! When friends try to explain why what you're doing is stupid, just look at 'em sideways, smile knowingly and say "Nooo... I don't think so." Watch as one-time friends turn a weird purple in frusturation.
Stay tuned for a decklist for the dreaded Flight / Storm Crow deck.

Helm of Awakening & Ornithopter: Break into the negative zone! Combine the Ornithopter's converted mana cost of 0 with the Helm's widescale -1 to mana costs to plunge into the realm of mystery. Is its converted mana cost -1? Do you get one colourless mana when you play it? Does it take only three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? The world will never know.

Burning Wish & Burning Wish: It's the infinity loop! Firstly, you'll need to make infinite mana - nothing too hard these days (I'm looking at you, Mirrodin block!) Now, cast the Wish to go in search of... another Burning Wish! Since it's still your main phase, play this one too, getting another Burning Wish! But don't stop now - keep playing Wishes to bring in more Wishes! If your opponent never gets to go again, you can't lose!
For that extra touch of style, try it using Ring of Ma'ruf.

Dark Ritual & Black Lotus & Demonic Hordes: First-turn mayhem! Drop a swamp, cast Dark Ritual, sacrifice the Lotus and pow, the Demonic Hordes are yours! Think of the possibilities: you'll never own another land that game... ever! The Hordes'll never be untapped to attack! They'll never be untapped to block! Guaranteed first-turn "lock" win... for your opponent.

Time Warp & Fork: Shatter the fifth dimension! Here's how: When your opponent casts Time Warp ("Take an extra turn after this one"), Fork it. He takes a turn after his current one, but your instant on the stack means you take a turn after the one he's on, so he takes his turn after you take your Forked one after his... Einstein was right! Einstein was right!!!

Planar Void & Enduring Renewal: "Gee, a combo using Enduring Renewal. How novel." Hey, the Void says that creatures that die are removed from the game, while Enduring Renewal says they're returned to your hand. See? Time and space cease to matter and the game ends in a draw.

Argothian Enchantress & Presence of the Master: Become your own worst enemy! Stop yourself in your tracks! Guarantee your loss! Simply play a deck heavy with enchantments, hurry out the Enchantress so you can draw plenty of cards, then clamp down a Presence and go right through the windshield as you come to a complete stop! (Shoulda worn your seat belt.) Great fun.

Naked Singularity & Reality Twist & Illusionary Terrain: Wizards of the Coast flickers and fades from this plane of reality! The DCI questions its belief in a higher power! Richard Garfield's head explodes! Bring all three of these mana-screwers into play at once and see if your opponent doesn't go all glassy and soil his pants.

Mox Ruby (etc.) & Titania's Song: Speed, speed, speed! Use artifact lands alongide fast mana like Moxes and Jeweled Amulets to pull out a high-casting-cost card like Titania's Song on your first turn, turning all artifacts into creatures with power and toughness equal to their casting costs! What happens next? You get to hang around with the other kids at the tourney who lose before their second turn.

Justice & Chaoslace: Bring Justice into play, no matter what colours your opponent is running. Then as soon as he tries anything, Chaoslace him! Yeah, you heard right, Chaoslace your opponent. That way if he so much as reaches for a Wild Mongrel he's taking damage. Just make sure you're playing somebody smaller than you.

Winter's Chill & Transmute Artifact: "What kind of combo is this? The cards have nothing to do with each other!" Exactly! But look at the amount of text on these two seldom-used cards! Dear God, while your opponent's busy reading these eye-strainers, tap all his mana, flick his Blastoderm into the rafters and swipe his library. Still think this is a weak combo? Heck, throw in the dreaded Ice Cauldron, and you'll probably have enough time to bang his sister while you're at it, too.

Urza's Bauble & North Star: Attempt the impossible! Go against the will of the Gods! Defy fate! Use what may be the two worst artifacts ever to waste thin little coloured cardboard by casting the Star and the Bauble and getting your opponent to think that you're a) up to some unthinkable, daring supercombo or b) some bent institutional escapee who will kill him if he wins. Either way, the game could be yours.


And lastly, a brief card analysis I've always wanted to conduct....

Stangg: We all know that if two of the same legend come into play, they both take the dirt nap. But when Stangg enters play a Twin Stangg token soon follows. A twin!! That's gotta mean sudden death for both o' them. Somebody turn this guy's helmet sideways and push him into a snowbank.

Geriatric Jamboree

Boy, they sure don't make 'em like they used to - Magic decks, that is. For all youse who thought that Magic was just a kids' game, here's the deck that breaks the generation gap, as well as a few legs. You've got the wise Elder Druid, the venerable abbot Hazduhr, and even your good ol' Uncle Istvan.

While many of Magic's older folk stand on their own pretty well (those Yavimaya Ancients are no slouches!) it doesn't hurt to give them a few aids. Special devices like Feldon's Cane, the Phyrexian Walker and the Glasses of Urza are sure to help them out.

Not to sound too insensitive, but many of these creatures are nearing their final days, and we all know what that means. When that Auspicious Ancestor does finally exit the bus (you'll pardon the crude expression), there's an Inheritance waiting for you.

The deck even has one extra, super-double-secret joke... the deck itself is certifiably old! That's right, not one card in the build was printed after Mirage block. So stop ignoring the old folk, because even the oldest Magic critters are creatures, too. Oh, one last thing - whenever something bad happens, don't forget to let out a hearty "Flibbidy-floo" or "Great Googely Moogely!"

Old People
1 An-Havva Constable
1 Auspicious Ancestor
1 Elder Druid
1 Farrel's Zealot
1 Grandmother Sengir
1 Hazduhr the Abbot
1 Ley Druid
1 Nebuchadnezzar
1 Nicol Bolas
1 Old Man of the Sea
1 Sage of Lat-Nam
1 Uncle Istvan
1 Yavimaya Ancients

Old People's Things
1 Elixir of Vitality (Metamucil)
1 Everglades
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Horn of Deafening (Eh?)
1 Inheritance
1 Lion's Eye Diamond (They just don't make 'em like they used to)
1 Glasses of Urza
1 Phyrexian Walker
1 Staff of the Ages
1 War Chariot (As close as you can get to a wheelchair....)

Old People's Characteristics
1 Amnesia (What was it now?)
1 Ancestral Memories (Oh, I remember. It was...)
1 Ancestral Recall (...um, it was...)
1 Enfeeblement
1 Forget (...um...)
1 Forgotten Lore (...it was...)
1 Memory Lapse (...I remember - no, wait...)
1 Presence of the Master
1 Weakness
1 Worldly Tutor (...oh, never mind. You're too young to understand, anyways.)

Old People's Vices
1 Martyr's Cry ("Don't worry about me. You should go out and have a good time while I sit here and quietly die.")
1 Sands of Time (Any day now....)
1 Shahrazad (Long, pointless stories)
1 Spinal Villain (Oh... my back!)

Retirement Homes
5 Forests (Over the river and through the...)
6 Islands (The Keys)
3 Mountains (The Catskills)
5 Plains (Miami)
4 Swamps (The Everglades)

Magic card names taken way out of context

I don't have any unique or creative insights today. So, I will subject you all to juvenile humour, instead.

Baton of Morale, Despotic Scepter, Staff of Ages, Throne of Bone: In the beginning, Magic was a story of men.

Bone Flute: It's been the lightning rod for Magic innuendo for years, Twiddled more often than anything and whipped out by many an Enlightened Tutor. No wonder creatures cringe when it hits the table.

Burning Palm Efreet: Geez - and you thought Indian Burns hurt. Somebody get this guy some aloe and a cold shower.

Chaotic Goo: Dare I say it's what comes out of a Rod of Ruin? Or what really led to that ultra-rare Splendid Genesis card?

Squee's Toy: Out of the back of which magazine was this thing ordered from? Furthermore, is it the inflatable kind or should I get batteries?

Stroke of Genius: Even Dominaria's heroes get the urge from time to time, especially with all them Phyrexians wanderin' about. Half-woman, half-TV, what guy could resist?

Spitting Slug: Especially since Viagra came along, Jolrael, Empress of Beasts hasn't stopped hocking these loogies of love. It's no wonder, most forest-dwellers love a man with first strike.

Explosive Growth: It's what caused the Mogg Toady to visit Serra's Sanctum. It's how Juzam converted Selenia to the dark side. The list goes on and on....

Callous Giant: Talk about having way too much time on one's hands, literally. This guy needs a chick, or he's ripe for a visit by Blinding Angel.

All that, and there's a naked broad on Sylvan Paradise. What is this game coming to....

Der Lame Name Game

Whoever names the blue Magic cards at Wizards of the Coast should be banned.

I quite like playing blue, even if I don't do it often. It's the most tactical colour, and even without countering has many neat tricks up its sleeve. But man, oh man, the card names just blow.

Now granted, the good folks who make Magic: the Gathering have had to name over 11000 cards. I can appreciate that it's not easy to come up with that many cool names. But why does blue always get the shaft? In the past, blue mages have had to flop down cards like Giant Oyster, Disruptive Student and Cultural Exchange without cowering in embarrassment. All the while sitting across the table from someone casting the likes of Arcades Sabboth, Massacre, Gauntlets of Chaos, Soul Burn and Force of Nature.

Even the recent Zendikar block is making matters worse, saddling the true blue with cards like Reckless Scholar and Lethargy Trap. What, no Unstifled Yawn, Good-Sized Turtle or Repentant Barnacle? Maybe next time.

Though it's little concilation, the other colours have felt a little of blue's pain throughout history. Green has had to put up with the likes of Nut Collector, Spring Cleaning and Crabapple Cohort in its stable. White has featured the decidedly unfantastic Graceful Antelope and Daily Regimen. Red and Black have always scored the lion's share of cool names, although the former has been stuck with a card called Turf Wound and the latter a Mold Demon.

Why fuss over something as seemingly trivial as Magic card names? Because fantastic sounding cards pull in fantasy fans and make you want to learn more about the game. Magic could always use more fans. The reason there are million-dollar pro tours and cards available in every town across the world is because Magic has attracted zillions of fans. Mostly fantasy fans. If my first cards had been things like Sawtooth Loon, Overeager Apprentice and Camel, I doubt I would have been interested enough to play the game.

There's a solution. To minimize lame cards, just adopt this simple rule: All card names have to also make for cool band names. So, Maggot Therapy, yes. Zoologist, no. Liquid Fire, yes. Eager Cadet, no. Mindslicer, yes. Barktooth Warbeard... maybe, it could be a Gaelic speed metal band.

I doubt this test will ever be instituted, of course. But I'll just be happy if we don't start seeing things like Not-Quite-So-Ancient Kavu, Inner-City Bouncer, and Ball Collector.

Give us more Arcane Denials, Demonic Hordes, Oversouls of Dusk, Carnivals of Souls... Please, for the love of Jace.

Heavy Medal

Gold - it's not just for roleplaying games and fake teeth. These past two weeks, it has been for Olympic Medals.

Typically I ignore the Olympics, because a) Sports are boring; b) the certifiably evil Olympic Commitee made the Legend of the 5 Rings CCG change its card backs; and c) they removed Foosball and Long Distance Dice-Spitting from the event roster. Nonetheless, it was kind of neat that Canada recieved the most gold medals in the Winter Olympics this year of any country in history. That's not what we're here about, however. No, I am giving the Olympics another chance based on one simple reason: Dominaria has finally qualified to compete. All your favourite Magic characters will be going all-out in an attempt to gain pride for their whacked-out world.

"If I can just control the ball and score a lot, I'll take the big one," said Ertai, wizard adept, who along with his deceased buddy, Gerrard "the Nard" Capashen, will be doing the two-man luge. Also look for Hannah and Squee in the pairs figure skating competition. You haven't really seen ice skating until you've seen a goblin doing a triple-axle to the beat of ABBA's "Mama Mia."

Goblins definetley got game - and no, I don't mean crapmeister Goblin Game. Look for the Goblin Rock Sled in the bobsled event, Goblin Ski Patrol in the ski jumping events and the Goblin Snowman on "The Man Show."

Dominaria wants a medal so badly, they're entering more genetically engineered ringers than Russia, China, and East Germany combined. They have a Hired Giant in the giant slalom, Vesuvan Doppleganger in the biathlon, Cateran Enforcer cross-country skiing, Ski-zzik downhill skiing; and more Cloudskates than you can shake a Counterspell at.

It'll be fun to watch, but my guess is that Team Dominaria will be banned from future Olympics faster than Memory Jar. Let's face it, the summer games would be wrecked by the likes of the Centaur Chieftain in the 50-yard dash, Anurid Brushopper in the long jump and Karn in the shotput. No man alive has more experience palming metal balls than Karn. It would be downright unfair.

Nonetheless, I can't wait for the next Winter Olympics. Four years from now, when I'm the guy in the front row with a "Go Licids" sign and my face painted with the colours of the coalition, I will finally command the respect of cardfloppers and dicechuckers as well as jocks the world over.

PLOT DESCENT IN ZERLONGS PER MINUTE

The malarkey started with Zendikar.

It was only so much rubbish, as recent sets are won't to do. Fulla creatures n' stuff. Wizards pushing the boundaries for what would be a balanced creature. No usable counterspells in sight. Littered with "Look at me I am 8 years old and I can playing a Magic" cards (AKA Johnny Cards.) Keep in mind I'm saying this all as an aggro player, too.

Now Worldwake. More of the same, only now it's personal. You know that Abyssal Persecutor card? The one that's $26 dollars and wins games? I designed it years ago. It was a little different... I decided 1BB for a 5/5 with the "You can't win and your opponent can't lose" clause was neaty-keen... and you could also pay 3BB to sacrifice it. So it had an escape hatch. The Persecutor is marginally different, yes, but in essence it is the same. (Keep in mind I came up with this back when Wizards was conjuring up such winners as Torpid Moloch and Zephyr Spirit.) Pulse Tracker, too! I designed him about a year ago! Granted, it's about as exciting as Defiant Elf when you get right down to it, but it all just goes to show what Worldwake had to resort to.

But I digress. As I write this, the next set is much-anticipated and speculated about. Called Rise of the Eldrazi, it deals with these nasty Eldrazi blokes showing up from a Cthulhu-esque slumber and basically screwing with everything. After all, it was foreshadowed by Eldrazi Monument, and even more so by Eye of Ugin. Or so people guess.

What is my prediction for the set?

THERE WILL BE NO ELDRAZI CARDS TO SPEAK OF. None. Not one. Eye of Ugin will be even worse than Steamflogger Boss. All the hype will have been one big joke, and Wizards will laugh themselves sick over stupid Zendikar-sympathists who loaded up on the Eye of Ugin in anticipation of it being broken wide open.

Better yet, there WILL be Eldrazi cards, but anyone who has one will be desperate to trade it away for a Wood Elemental or Sorrow's Path. THEY WILL BE TERRIBLE! Seven mana for a 2/1 who can't attack, and deals damage equal to the number of cards in each player's library to you each phase. HA.

IT IS TRUE.

I HAVE DECIDED.

Oh god what is this and what am I doing.

Yes. A blog. I never thought... I would get around to it.

...

Why, you ask?

To quote The Cranberries: "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we?" Er... why can't me. Yes, that's it. The irrational desire to conform to self-proclaimed noncomfomists pounding out inane complaints on the Interwebs.

More to follow.